


The Night Sky

by Karfraegh18



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-30
Updated: 2009-08-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 04:01:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 35,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8695834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karfraegh18/pseuds/Karfraegh18
Summary: Jensen had run, with a broken heart, leaving Jared and his world behind, to work with orphaned AIDs children in Malawi.  With a new name and a new identity he means to hide, to get back to finding himself.  Jared is determined to track him down.  Will a shared past be enough to fix them?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

It was Dulani who found him, the tall pale man with the green eyes. It was Azibo who persuaded the others that the sleeping man was too heavy to carry and ran as fast as he could, his bare feet slapping on hard baked earth back to Asale. He flew down the track, jumping the holes in the path as sure footed as a gazelle, darting and leaping in a scramble to reach the school.

 

”Asale, Asale,” he called frantic, “Asale, mister is dyin’, mister is dying.” He dived in past the rush matting, and into the cold dark air of the stone walled building, momentarily blinded from the change in light, his eyes darting into shadows, throwing himself at tartan material, and the warmnth and spice of Asale. “Mister is dyin,’” Azibo pulled at her skirts, the insistent tugging dragging her to the door and the other kids tumbling and leaping from the trees, chattering and shouting and demanding her attention.

 

“Children, children,” she admonished, waving her hands expansively, drawing them in a circle about her, frowning as they jumped and shouted and pushed, “Azibo” she shouted over the chatter and one by on the children fell silent, leaving only Azibo, out of breath from his panicked run to finally tell her what was wrong.

 

“Mister Joe, he gone and fell down, an’n we cant lift him Miss Asale.” Asale looked back into the trees, Joe hadn’t looked right now for a few days, knew he shouldn’t have gone out in the heat of the midday sun for the project, but would he listen? Stubborn American and his stubborn macho posturing, they needed to get the doctor out here, and if he needed moving, well they needed more than one old woman and a retired doctor to do that.

 

“Get to the doctor, Dulani, get him quick. Kafele, go get the others, tell them to hurry. Azibo show me where Mister Joe is,” she walked as fast as her legs could carry her, the children helping her over the pits and mounds of the uneven path until at last she was at the same tree as Joe.

 

He had obviously stopped to lean against the tree, slid down it’s length to sit in the shade, and then… just fallen, laid to one side, an arm twisted below him, his face half turned into Malawi dirt, brown and dusty and dry as a bone. Cautiously she used the tree to kneel in that same dirt, her hands gentle on his face as she turned it to look closer. Flecks of blood were on his face, stark and red brown on white skin, sheened with sweat and exhaustion. He was limp and still and she keened softly at the sight of such a strong man brought to his knees.

 

He coughed in his unconsciousness, blood on his lips, a cry from him, from his throat, as the tearing coughing jerked his body, his muscles fitting in shakes. Azibo, stuttered his shock, his hands covering his mouth, his brown eyes huge in terror, tears forming and rolling down his dust dirty cheeks.

 

Not mister Joe. Not him as well. Not his mister Joe.

 

Joe was mumbling incoherently, his eyes suddenly open to the bright day, a single word as clear as water, a word no one understood, Jay-red.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Six years previous

 

Jared was there for the girls. Well actually that is what he told everyone, but in reality he had followed hot bloke to the sign up table distracted by a tight ass and broad shoulders and not as people expected of a basketball playing pretty boy, long legs and a big chest. It happened a lot to Jared, this random following of people and pretty much explained the strange mix of course choices he had made so far at UT. He had elected statistics because of a boy called Brandon who despite being clearly wrapped in his girlfriends embrace had the hottest arms; he had elected American Literature because of a cute hairstyle and blue eyes, and now he was queuing at poli-sci because of the afore mentioned butt of his dreams, still not actually having seen the face that went with it or with the short spiky brown hair. In fact he had followed cute butt from the computer courses table and had already signed up to one programme the same as the guy, not ever so sure entirely what he was signing up for.

 

“Jensen Ackles” the voice of the owner of that butt said softly. His vowels stretched lazy and soft and just like honey and whisky and hot southern nights. He was given the welcome to poli-sci speech which Jared listened to as he handed over his id at the same time as Jensen’s saving the poor girl behind the desk from repeating it all twice. Jared took the required reading list and associated timetable and following John or Julian or whatever his name was to the back of the room barrelling into him when cute guy stopped suddenly. They exchanged apologies and then Jared held out his hand

 

“Jared.” He said confidently. "I just signed up for poli-sci as well."

 

“Jensen.” Other guy said softly and then blushed, clear on blushed bright red, dropping his grip on Jared's hand and turning to leave.

 

“I'm in B block…” Jared offered quickly “…sharing with some guy called Ryan,” he added “s’not looking good so far though cos he’s got posters of Britney freakin' Spears up, in full-on schoolgirl mode and quite frankly I'm worried about his mental state, I mean that can’t be good right?”

 

Jensen’s mouth fell open, he looked confused at what Jared was throwing at him, wondering exactly why this bundle of puppy energy was hovering in front of him clearly expecting Jensen to say something in return. Jensen was a master at picking up keywords in a conversation and screening out the dross, but Jared talked so fast and the words Jensen had picked up on were B, Britney Spears and mental, which really made very little sense at all.

 

“Erm,” Jensen started strongly, then kind of going downhill from there. He never was that good at forming any kinds of relationships, friend or otherwise, without at least two or three years of knowing someone. “Block b also,” he finally offered shrugging, “but I don’t know who I'm sharing with yet.”

 

“Let’s hope it's not a Britney Spears fan eh… coffee?” Jared added on the last word and indicated the coffee bar by the sign ups.

 

Jensen thought of the 79 cents he had in his pocket and full on worried. He was good at that - worrying about money and he was determined not to dip into his college funds for anything other than necessities. The Ackles weren't exactly rolling in money and he needed to make his hard earned summer money last.

 

“My treat,” Jared said pulling at Jensen’s arm and guiding him to the café, chattering non stop about anything and nothing, and to be fair Jensen couldn't have got a word in edgeways even he wanted to or indeed had anything interesting to say.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Poli-Sci as far as Jared was concerned was a wash out, too much ethics, too much homework, but computers… now that was one cool subject and it was on lesson three, lounging next to a still nervous looking Jensen, that he announced that he was going to work with computers after college.

 

Jensen looked at him aghast that Jared had seemingly decided on this course of his life after three lessons. It didn’t seem right for it to be that instant when he himself had decided that years before, when he was sat in his bedroom building a Pentium 486 from nothing more than spare parts. Programming and digging deep into the insides of the technology, clips holding his long floppy geeky hair out of his eyes.

 

“What do you know about computers?” he asked, acutely aware of his new friend's limitations on the subject.

 

Jared just smirked, “Enough to get by,” he said, “enough to get by and know that it is easy money dude."

 

+++++++++++++++

 

Sharing a room had begun in year two, Jared absolutely refusing to share a room with Ryan and Britney for one more term. Jensen slipped into agreement, hoping against hope that his growing attraction to Jared could stay hidden. It wasn't cool to jerk off with Jared's name on his lips in a room he shared with the subject of his fantasies. Despite Jensen revealing he was gay probably three months after they met, and Jared pretending to be shocked at the news (which he admitted to Ryan he hadn’t been at all) Jared revealed he wasn't gay exactly. He had talked long into the night to Jensen about how he was more of an experimenter, much to Jensen’s amusememt. It wasn't until Halloween of year two that Jared and Jensen became JaredJensen and it was more down to tequila that lowered barriers than to finding true love.

 

“I am not dressing up,” Jensen was adamant, despite the vampire cloak and teeth and makeup that sat on his side of the room courtesy of one Jared Tristan I love Halloween Padalecki.

 

“Jennnnnseeennn.” How was it Jared could make his name so damn long and drawn out, and those damn eyes, all kinda melty and hazel, it was enough to drive any gay man to his knees. Jared looked down at Jared’s matching outfit, and back up at his painted white skin, any hint of southern tan lost to the bloodless vampire look. Jared moved closer, was it just him, or was his room suddenly warmer, and started to pull at the perfectly nice navy button down that Jensen had deemed perfect for the party. One by one he opened button, each movement accompanied by that dimpled grin that promised fun with a capital F.

 

“Jay-red,” Jensen whined, his heart beating a little faster at the casual touch of his best friend's long fingers, and the gentle removal of his shirt. Jared was chatting away, seemingly oblivious to the heat in his friend, …. Ryan is dressing as Britney, can you believe that, although Mary is coming as…. Jensen just tuned it out, instead focusing on keeping his libido under control, filing away the touches for later. He drew the line at Jared pulling off his tshirt and mumbling something incoherent he grabbed the gear and darted into their shared bathroom pulling the door shut and resting his back against the smooth wood, a hand palming his groin, willing his hard on to just go the fuck away.

 

“Jensen, come on man, five minutes,” Jared called, thumping the closed door with his fist right by Jensen’s head on the other side, causing him to jump, pulling his hand against his dick… so not helping… a little desperate he stood in front of the mirror, looking down at the pancake colours, white, black, red, and deciding he was quite pale enough without any of the white. Biting his lower lip he took hold of the brush and the black colour sweeping it over high cheekbones in a pale swathe, and then concentrating colour around his eyes, the black and grey smoky and dark, his lashes long agains the smoulder of colour. He looked at himself thoughtfully. People said he was pretty, not handsome, not hot, pretty. Pretty eyes, pretty lips, just pretty. Tonight wasn’t about being pretty, tonight was about hiding in the crowd, and he drew the red colour around his mouth in a mockery of blood. Satisfied he pulled on the black tshirt and pulled the cape around his shoulders, and opening the door he waited for Jared to check he looked OK.

 

Jared looked up from the PC Magazine he was thumbing through and stared, blinking like an owl.

 

“Too much?” Jensen said softly, raising a hand to rub at his eyes, to remove some of the black, gasping as Jared jumped up and caught his hand in a bruising grip.

 

“No, leave it,” he spat out. Was he angry? Angry that maybe Jensen had made a mess of this? “Let’s go.” Jensen followed quietly, seeing tension in the way Jared was holding himself; maybe Jared had received a call from home, or a text, or something, it didn’t have to be him that had screwed his friend’s good mood.

 

Problem was… Jared’s mood got worse, he snapped and drunk too much and ended up stumbling back to their room his long arms wrapped around an amused Ryan, Jensen following at a small distance, wondering where Jared had got his dickhead attitude from tonight.

 

Ryan deposited Jared on the bed, and Jensen thanked him pushing the door shut behind him as he left, before turning on Jared and eyeing him carefully.

 

“Help me up Jen,” Jared hiccupped and held up a hand in the general direction of his roommate, Jensen sighing and reaching out. With speed and dexterity that belied Jared’s apparent drunken state Jensen found himself flipped and on the bed under his grinning friend. Jensen had stuff to say, like umph and what the fuck and Jared… but all that came out was a whimper as Jared leaned down and captured his lips in a full on swooping kiss. Jensen opened his mouth in a gasp, and Jared pressed the advantage, tasting, taking, Jensen getting with the programme… Jared may be drunk but this was every fantasy Jensen had in his head come to life, he’d worry about the consequences tomorrow. Jared mumbled against heated skin, your eyes, I love your eyes… they see right through me… right into me… I love your eyes…

 

And that was how it started, and when Jared sobered, and Jensen relaxed they started to date, simple stuff, cinema, beers, walks, just talking. Jensen fell in love so quickly; for Jared it was slower as if he needed to see through the pretty to the heart, the man, inside.

 

They became inseparable, tied together by invisible rope, fronted comments and pointed fingers, became stronger a couple, a love so strong that it blinded them to everything else. College was long gone and still they loved, sunk deep into each other, perfect moments that pulled together and made a precious tapestry that Jensen treasured and Jared protected. They were soulmates, in life and love, and life couldn’t have been more settled, more perfect.

 

The relationship grew and lasted way past college and into what Jensen liked to call real life. Jared's family had money and loaned him the capitol to start JTech and JaredJensenInLove became JaredJensenInBusiness. It wasn't a far stretch, Jensen had the brains instinctively knowing circuit boards and archaic programming languages as easy as breathing; Jared doing what he did so well, gift of the gab selling of Jensen’s ideas becoming more and more the consummate salesman. Together they became a force to be reckoned with and JTech prospered, making both of them very rich, very rich indeed. If Jensen ever doubted the full ethics of Jared's selling skills he didn't say. In fact, it was easier to bury himself in work than to question Jared on anything he was doing. If Jared ever wanted to know what Jensen was working on, he didn’t ask, just acquired and sold, moved in technology circles that increased and grew their fortune, until individually they were listed as millionaires and JTech was floated on the open market, the finances for a private jet finally at Jared’s fingertips.

 

They were lauded as the couple who had it all, money, each other, innovative cutting edge designs, Internet companies turning over millions of dollars a week and Jared couldn’t have been happier. He wanted fun and excitement and he had done it all, seen it all, won it all, which is how it all started really. Jared wanted it all. He wanted every new toy, every new technology, every newsworthy project…he just had to have it, it was like an overwhelming desire that had to be fed. If it meant a bit of underhand dealing, then really it was the other party who was letting it happen, security was so lax with some of these people, backdoors into secure software that a child could open. Jared didn’t see it as stealing; his voracious appetite for everything new was clouding his judgement, but he didn’t see that.

 

And Jensen

 

Jensen was slipping away, locked inside his head, creating and designing and loving his work, his life-blood was in creation whilst Jared built the company.

 

And the new project, Amethyst, the new technology for telecoms, well Jensen designed that, with Chris, locked away in a lab, computers humming and teeming files and profiles, both men confident this was the next big thing, beta trials going so well.

 

When Jared stole Amethyst, from a third party, not knowing it was Jensen’s, and tooled it as JTech work, Jensen stood silently in the white room that was his home and cried.

 

He hadn’t known what Jared was doing, hadn’t realised his lover had been slipping away from him hour after hour, minute by minute, changing into this power hungry thief that Jensen didn’t recognise.

 

He didn’t say a word. The papers were easy, passport, birth certificate, a new name, a new person. The Peace Corp was easy with the papers he had. His broken heart wasn’t going to heal here, the deceit in and around his lover so tangled and dark.

 

It was a Friday that he left.

 

A stormy night, lightening carving letters in the sky, clouds heavy with rain, and Jensen ran. The night that Jared raised champagne glasses to the success of the Amethyst launch, that was the night that Jensen ran, taking only what he needed, and running as far as he could. Away from Jared, away from Dallas, away from his life.

 

Just away.


	2. Chapter 2

Jared knew it was a dream.

 

Even as he pushed deeper into his twisted covers, the grief was there to let him know, but he clung to the last vestiges of dream desperate to hold on to Jensen. Jensen was at the house, in their sprawling gardens, in low loose jeans and no T, lying back on impossibly green grass, long limbed and relaxed as he called for Jared. Soft and low, and dripping with sex, his voice carried up to Jared, as he was standing watching at the house, talking in to his cell phone. Someone else, just out of his peripheral vision was telling him to go and lay with Jensen, go see Jensen… and he wanted to… he urgently wanted to see him… but he couldn’t, there were things just out of reach that he needed to touch, other things, things that were very important. He knew that these things, these intangible feelings that itched and scratched at him with a ferocious need, were wrong. Knew they didn’t feel like the smooth sun warmed freckles that were sprinkled by the gods over acres of skin stretched taut over tight muscles. How could they be? He pushed the other things aside, not heeding the words being said to him, telling him to stay this time, that there was no point, he wouldn’t reach Jensen before… before what?

 

It was a dream he had had regularly since Jensen had gone, and the grass was soft and textured on bare feet as he stepped carefully between daisies of bright white and yellow. Each daisy sat small and tight against the bluest of green grass and it was at this point his breathing was always so damn tight in his chest. Jensen laid out, a smile, beckoning Jared closer, careful of the daisies… you can crush those… and then he fell to his knees, tears in his throat as Jensen reached up for him.

 

”Jared” Jensen whispered softly, “I nearly went… you took so long” he curled long fingers in the material of Jared’s charcoal suit, the cloth falling away until Jensen’s cold hands touched Jared’s skin. Cold hands, not sun warm, and Jared shivered, catching the hands in his and leaning over his smiling lover. He dropped kisses of adoration and love across high cheekbones, intent on kissing every freckle, wanting to capture every taste that was Jensen. He whispered into his skin, you can’t go, you needed to wait for me Jensen, I love you, you cant go, however long I take to come to you

 

The first raindrop was across his neck, his long hair about his face as he captured Jensen’s familiar lips in a kiss bite of heat and desire. Under him Jensen squirmed, pulling his hands away from Jared, it’s raining, Jared, I need to go

 

I wont let you go

 

I’ll come back, you wait here

 

No, I’ll stop you… I’ll make you stay

 

Jared woke wet with sweat, trembling and crying, the dream, the touch, and the taste of Jensen so damn real. Pulling his legs round to sit on the edge of the bed, he ran shaking hands through sweat damp hair, tears heavy on his skin, his body waking to the realisation of what had happened.

 

Jared hadn’t really noticed Jensen had gone for near on two days. It wasn’t deliberate, it wasn’t planned, he was working and schmoozing investors, after all that was his role at JTech. He had just assumed Jensen was holed away working, and to be honest their schedules recently hadn’t led to either intimacy or company for the past few weeks, not since that night. The night he had secured Amethyst and revealed it to Jensen. He had expected Jensen to be ecstatic. Amethyst was cutting edge telecoms, making wireless a thing of the past to those who could afford it and it was fresh, new, exciting. But Jensen just paled, made his excuses and left, which was OK though, Chris stayed, and the whole management team from JTech were there to bask in Jared’s reflected glory. Jared would talk to Jensen later, maybe they needed to get away, his lover seemed tired, distant, remote. He gave him room, gave him the two days, and then, the worry started.

 

Chris had finally approached Jared with the letter, the single white envelope and the crisp handwritten paper, covered in Jensen’s looped scrolling writing, single words…

 

Amethyst, I’m sorry, for the best, goodbye.

 

Chris stood and watched him read, not knowing where Jensen had gone, not able to add anything to what Jared read, just telling him he found the envelope when he got into the lab on the Monday morning.

 

Jared went into shock. An angry spiteful destructive shock, which he inflicted first on Chris and then on Mackenzie. Mackenzie Ackles, who turned up with her own letter, her own instructions, to create the Ackles foundation, with a plea to distribute her brother’s money as she saw fit, and the legal documents to back it up. Jared shouted and raged and demanded his own legal team sort this out, Jensen couldn’t do this, they were partners, he wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t just leave.

 

It took Chris separating them and Mac bursting into tears as Jared stood shouting at her to finally make him stop and listen. Maybe he should be spending his time looking for her brother and not shouting at her or Chris, what did he think to that idea?

 

This wasn’t happening, they had everything; it was simple, Jared would just find Jensen and bring him home where he belonged. They were right, together, everyone could see that; yes he’d screwed up on the whole Amethyst thing but Jensen was a forgiving man, Jared would find him and talk him round. He was one of the richest men in Texas surely some of his money could find Jensen…

 

Determination turned to more anger mixed in with a horrified despair, it was two weeks before his team of investigators found anything, way before the authorities did, $54,500 withdrawn in cash by Jensen the day he left. Why such a specific amount, why in cash? Find him, please find him, is he dead, where is he? Amethyst was growing, insistently capturing Jared’s time and he tried damn hard to balance both, but as weeks went by, as weeks turned into months, as Christmas came and went and a year followed close, it was all Jared could do to not imagine Jensen as dead.

 

Jensen had left everything in place, the foundation, his money so carefully tied to his sister… this was a Jensen Ackles that Jared didn’t know, a man who had taken himself away from Jared in a deliberate and calculated way. Eighteen months. Long months where loneliness ate into Jared’s confidence, his plan for life, it was all going so wrong.

 

$54,500. That was how much had been withdrawn that Friday, the same day Jensen disappeared from his life. Jared didn’t ask how his team had found this information in what were essentially Jensen’s private accounts, realising just how separate their lives had become if he even had to think about that. The amount haunted him, such a specific amount of money, not enough to start a new life surely…

 

Drink became a bigger part of his life, the highs from the technology he loved for blurred with the edge of alcohol and the months passed quickly. He was giving up, slowly and surely assigning Jensen to a box in his head, a memory he couldn’t handle in real life.

 

Still the dreams came, dragging him back to a time when he had Jensen in his arms, and he just wanted to say sorry, wanted to find Jensen, beg his forgiveness… please find him. He still paid out for information; from sources that ripped at his heart, blurry photos, lies, misplaced advice, he collected it all, his sadness morphing into despair; his own part in Jensen’s disappearance, slowly lost within the cold dying place in his heart.

 

The grief was too intense, he didn’t talk to anyone and slowly, very slowly, as time picked away at the heartache and the anguish and the regrets, he was only left with the dreams.

 

He stood from the bed, his shoulders hunched with sorrow and tears, and he stumbled to the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face and catching hazel eyes red and smoky in the mirror. Only yesterday his legal team had again insisted that he pull away from the Ackles foundation, declare Jensen dead… well not dead, but as near as damn it. Mac wanted Jared to stay, pool their talents, use their skills, make Jensen proud, she knew he was out there alive somewhere, she never lost faith.

 

Jared wouldn’t lose faith, he couldn’t, and it was the stubborn search for his lover that was keeping him together, keeping him alive.

 

He walked out of the bathroom, intent only on clearing his head, opening the window to the tidy lawns that had been in his dreams and the distant glow of downtown Dallas that brightened the ski. It was a bad night, no sleep, pain in his heart stealing his breath, and not for the first time in the last eighteen months Jared Padalecki sank to his knees and sobbed.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Asale watched as patiently as she could, waiting for the doctor to come out of the room. Joe had only just come home, and Asale wanted the local doctor just to check on him before she could stop worrying.

 

“They let him out too early” she worried and fretted and underlined her distrust of the city hospital doctors and their medicines in sharp concerned words.

 

“Asale it was the best place” the doctor reassured her, his lined eyes crinkling with what most would call a supportive calm, but what Asale called his disrespectful smile.

 

“Are you sure?” she asked, not ready to accept him at his word, wondering what Joe’s six weeks away had actually done to him. He had come home today, skinny, so skinny, all bones, exhaustion lining his face, his lungs rattling with coughs, and surely he wasn’t ready to be back?

 

“He has his tablets, he just needs rest now.”

 

“Hospital don’t do no good for rest” Asale fussed, knowing the doctor was right, her hands in constant motion, the orphanage had seen too many deaths already to lose another. The doctor smiled again at her worry, he was a retired hospital doctor, a friend, and a giver of knowledge to a distrustful local populace. He knew how much affection Asale and the children had for Joe, knew how shocked they had all been when the young man was found at death’s door in the brush. TB wasn’t rare, in fact it was all too common here, the doctor had seen it a hundred times, the weight loss, the fever, and the night sweats.

 

He was just glad it didn’t seem to have been passed on to the children, and assumed Joe had caught it on one of his regular visits to neighbouring communities, knowing there were several cases a township over. When Asale had found Joe the blood had been a clear indicator of just how far it had gone, just how far they had been to losing the American, but he didn’t say that... didn’t focus on that. He just reiterated the hospital instructions, rest, and peace, before he left.

 

Asale sitting outside Joe’s door, an envelope clutched tight in her hands, the letter Joe had given her before he had left hat morning for the site. He must have known how ill he was… he must have.

 

“Take this for me Asale,” he had said with his soft low almost lazy American accent, leaning back against the wall of the main building, the moon full in the clear Malawi sky, tilting his head back to the stars.

 

“What is this?” Asale had asked, taking the letter he had given her and straining to read the details in the dark.

 

“A note to someone I loved once,” he explained, quietly, gently, then coughing, turning his head and covering his mouth, taking a while to catch his breath.

 

Asale frowned and chided him gently, “Doctor tomorrow Mr Joe, else Azibo will fret.”

 

Joe smiled, his hand unconsciously rubbing at his chest, gesturing to the letter, “I will Asale, I promise, when he next comes through. But, will you do that for me? If I get ill, if I ever go out and don’t come back, will y’all give that note to the peace corp. for me?” He looked so worried that she perhaps wouldn’t, so she nodded, of course she would.

 

She had always wondered what had sent the young man to work here in Malawi, the man with the green eyes and the name that wasn’t his own. Was it this love of his, this Jay-red he spoke of in his dreams? Well now she knew. For he had called that name in his delirium, called it at the peak of his fitting, the name forced out between blood stained lips. Jay-red.

 

So she held the letter, refusing to send it on, as if that very action could cause him to die, and now it was here, marking her worn bible at her favourite psalms, each one of them speaking of love.

 

She crossed to look in on him, still and so silent, bare to the night, the netting about him casting shadows from moonlight across his pale skin. At least he slept quietly. No dreams this time.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared sat his back against the wall all night, the cool of the Texan night switching to the warmth of the Dallas morning, the sprinklers alive on the lawn, his restless slumber stolen by a sharp knock on the door and harsh words. Words that cut through what little sleep he had forced himself into.

 

“Jared, Mr Padalecki…” Steve, his head of security, brandishing papers, and calling for him.

 

“Wha…?” he managed to force out, opening his eyes to the morning light.

 

“Mr Padalecki, we have him, we’ve found him. Sir, the jet is fuelled and ready to go”


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen opened his eyes, blinking at the morning light that filtered into the room, his senses reassured by the familiarity of smell and touch; the smells of Malawi, food cooking, Asale singing as she prepared the meal, the chatter of children outside his window, it all seemed so very normal. He listened, as gradually the pain kept at bay by sleep, crept into his muscles and he pulled in am experimental breath that at least felt natural and not forced.

 

It was still there, the thing that nearly killed him, but the fire that had filled his chest had dulled to pain and ache. He couldn’t believe how stupid he had been, what was it in his head that meant he had allowed himself to let this go so far; tuberculosis, for god’s sake, he should have seen the signs.

 

He moved restlessly, his skin sheened with sweat against the mattress, the netting around him filtering the sunlight and his back stiff. Rolling to his side, wincing at the bruised muscles he levered himself up to a half sitting position, resting his head against net covered wall, the shaking in him making him unsteady and kind of stuck. He lifted a shaking hand to his face, feeling skin rough with stubble and skin wet and sticky, what he would give for a bath, and for a second, just a second, he rememberd his bathroom in Dallas and a smile of memory shifted across his eyes. A shower would have to do, and he visualised himself getting out of bed and crossing to the separate shared showers, standing and walking to the area, and then groaning as he realised it was so not going to happen without help. He had the energy and coordination of a newborn colt, and despite his desire for feeling clean he couldn’t imagine making it to the showers any time soon.

 

He groaned again, the thought of moving….

 

“Mr Joe,” a soft voice, Asale, stood in his room, in his space, seeing him lying naked and for Jensen that was the final straw, and he blushed head to toe red.

 

“Asale” he managed to groan, but didn’t know what else to say.

 

Competent hands, with a strength that he didn’t know she had, helped him to place his feet flat on the floor, and in a shuffle lift he was finally standing, his eyes tight shut against the dizziness, leaning half on the rough wall and half on Asale.

 

“M’sorry” he murmered, so sorry…

 

Asale said nothing, just oh so slowly helped him to the shared showers, leaning him against the wall and holding him steady with one hand, more a suggestion of support than actually anchoring the exhausted man anywhere, and with the other hand opened the faucet on the wall. It was old and rusty but when the water cascaded down on his cool body Jensen gave thanks to the heavens that it worked.

 

He just stood, he couldn’t do anything else, the flow of water just this side of tepid, refreshing and pushing away the antiseptic smell of the hospital; taking with it some of the horrors he had seen there. She cleaned him, this woman who he called friend, pulling soap and a cloth over sensitised skin, her touch firm, her words soothing in ways Jensen had never imagined.

 

“Joe” she said quietly as the water began to lessen and the soap ran in rivers down his thin body, placing soaped fingers in his and guiding his hand down. He flushed that this woman had to be here for this, but on auto pilot he cleaned himself as best he could, his eyes shut in a combintaion of determination and embarrasment.

 

By the time he sat down again on the edge of the bed, his pale skin air drying, he was visibly shaking from the exertion and it took both of them to pull on boxers, pants and a T. At least clean and dressed he felt half way human, adding brushing teeth took him most of the way there. If only he could stop the shaking that would be good.

 

“You want outside?” Asale asked gently, knowing inside that air and sun would be good for the ill man. Jensen looked up at her pathetically eager, his green eyes still bloodshot and sore. “The children have set you a chair and some shade” she added, offering an arm and steadying Jensen as he stood, “an’ I have some Nshima and meat ready”. Jensen gave a half smile, the thick maize porridge patties with meat and vegetables, had become his staple diet now, much better than the hospital food he had been force fed. The chattering of the children fell quiet as one by one they saw Mr Joe being helped to the chair under the tree, but as usual it was Azibo who spoke up first, running to Jensen’s side and looking at him with liquid chocolate eyes, his face crunched up in concern.

 

“How’un you doin’ Mr Joe” he said politely, and cast a cross look at Dulani who giggled behind his hand, Azibo had been practising hard what to say when his idol had come home, he cast a few choice words at his class mate in Chichewa and winced as Asale tapped the top of his head in admonishment.

 

Jensen watched this small exchangee, feeling a strong warmth stealing over him, this was home, here, with these children, it was the place to heal, the place to be happy.

 

“I’m feeling better Azibo” Jensen replied softly, “much better”. Azibo’s wide grin split his face and his small hands grabbed at Joe’s Tshirt, using it to scramble up on Jensen’s lap, every inch the seven year old he was, hugging him tight and just as quickly slipping off before Jensen could close his arms around him. Following Azibo’s lead he had hugs from every child, didn’t have the heart to tell them that every touch was hurting him, until Asale decided to shoo them all away with encouragemnent to get back to the school work they had been doing.

 

She fussed around Jensen, made sure he had water, and told him to sleep.

 

Now that was something he could do without being told twice.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared scrambled to stand, his body aching from falling asleep against the wall and stood expectantly. Steve’s announcement that they had found Jensen loud in his head.

 

”Where?” he asked, “where?”

 

“Malawi” Steve replied, standing at the door impatiently shuffling papers, not really looking at Jared, not seeing the younger man’s face as it blanked in shock. Africa? Jensen had gone to Africa?

 

“I need to… to…” Jared began, looking blankly at Steve, shock settling in, he needed to… get on the plane, now.

 

They managed it in two hours, the plane leaving the private airstrip and lifting into the bright sky, silver sleek and black against the brilliant blue. The co-pilot came back to check, giving a still dazed Jared information that went right over his head, flight times, headwinds… enough talking.

 

Steve slid into the chair opposite him, hands folded on the table, nursing a coke, and Jared could tell he wanted to talk, probably questions like why Africa, how did he hide so well, why did he leave, and Jared was so far from wanting to talk it was ridiculous.

 

Grabbing his bottled water he stood, “I’ll be in my room” he said firmly, wincing as behind him Steve replied with a subdued OK boss. He had never had that kind of relationship with his staff, that of big rich boss, well he hoped he hadnt, but now he was disappointing the one man who had become a friend to him over the past six months or so. Jared had found him by recommendation, he can find people, and had hired him on the spot, and he hadnt been disappointed. It was Steve that had found out what $50,000 of the money Jensen had withdrawn was for. It had been paid in cash for papers, a new passport, a new name, but what name, that was the elusive side, until yesterday, when Steve had tracked down Joseph Adams. Jared stopped at the door to his private room, turning to face his friend.

 

”M’sorry Steve” he said, the cell phone in his hand vibrating an incoming call and taking his attention away. Steve threw him a quick smile and then sighed after Jared’s retreating figure, if he ever got off of that damn phone he may actually learn to live his life, not that Steve would ever tell him that.

 

Once inside his room, no more that a double bed and a bureau, and with his conference call ended, Jared slumped wearily onto the quilt and then fell to one side curling his legs up in an unconsciously feotal position, tucking long arms around his knees. The dream he had had last night had been so real, like he could touch Jensen, as if the taste of him was there, and waking from that perfection had almost been too much to carry.

 

Where had it gone wrong, why did Jensen run, and why had Jared let it go this far, why hadn’t he seen what was wrong? He had worked so hard for them both, burning candles at both ends, making them rich, rich enough for the best in life, what was so wrong with that?

 

He knew he had crossed the line with Amethyst, but Jensen wouldn’t have known about the other less than salubrious deals he had entered into, so it cant just be Amethyst that made Jensen leave him. At the back of his head he thought maybe Jensen had found someone else, that thought had always been there, someone more succesfful, someone with more money, one of their competitors, but he always dismissed this. Jensen was so loyal, it had never been Jensen that strayed, never been him that used flirting to get his own way. Jared keened and curled tighter, why was he justifying the odd kiss here and there as meaningless and as anything less than it was, cheating on Jensen. It had never gone any further… but Jeez… what if Jensen knew, had known?

 

He longed for, and at the same time dreaded, this day. This day of reckoning. Jared needed to get Jensen to be honest with him, to tell him how he felt, not to run and hide. Jared needed to apologise, get Jensen to come home.

 

He rolled over on his back, the mattress adjucting to his tall frame, just remembering. Jensen had only been on this jet once, and that was under duress, he hated to fly, that is what he said, but Jared managed it, didn’t take no for an answer. Now he reached out a hand, tracing memories in the crisp cotton under his face, remember the flight they had taken, locked away in here with beer and chips and kisses.

 

“I can make you forget you are flying” Jared offered waggling his eyebrows suggestively, pushing a weakly protesting Jensen back onto the mattress that was as good as the Sasquatch sized one they had at home just a little smaller. Jared curled around him, over him, placing kisses on every single inch of exposed skin, following each kiss with a tickle, until Jensen was an uncontrollable heap of giggles beneath him. He stopped and looked down at shining green, lost in the depths of Jensen’s eyes, the itch of need just below the surface of his heated skin. Jensen stopped laughing, looking up at Jared and frowning at the sudden seriousness of Jared’s expression, pushing his dick up to rub against his lovers, trying to coax back the teasing smiles. Finally Jared got with the program, leaning down to pull Jensen’s lower lip into a kiss, Jensen relaxing down and opening to the heated kisses. Jared pulled back, smiling down at a languid Jensen, the friction of their clothing starting to build a heat that, in Jared’s opinion, needed dealing with by removing said clothes.

 

“I love you Mr Ackles” he offered into a kiss, swallowing whatever reply Jensen was going to make and settling back and up on his knees he began moving his hands down to settle on sharp hipbones, pulling material up and out of loose jeans, undoing buttons and slowly moving his lips to trace kisses down Jensen’s neck to each nipple, worrying each one with nips and sucks, feeling the strain as Jensen arched up into his mouth, twisting a hand into Jared’s long hair and pulling at it roughly, pulling him up for another kiss, so deep, tongues tangling and fighting, Jared laughing as he pulled back and listened to Jensen’s whine as his lover chased for the kiss.

 

Jared’s hands went for the buckle at Jensen’s jeans and his mouth followed the trail of hair he discovered inch by inch, pulling down the material, revealing Jensen hard and heavy, a trail of precum on the head of his dick that Jared just had to taste. It wasn’t soft, it wasn’t romantic, it was quick and rough, and in no time at all Jensen had lost it down his lover’s throat, knuckles in his mouth to stop his shout, knowing people were the other side of the door, and falling back onto the bed his hands reaching for Jared….

 

Jared dragged himself back to the present, the memory of Jensen’s taste, his body, his cries like flashes behind his closed eyes, and he realised his eyes were wet with tears, opening them to the blue sky outside the small window.

 

I’m coming Jensen… and once you see I am sorry… then we can go home… together.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The next day started much the same for Jensen, his limbs aching and his head pounding and Asale was there, helping him to shower, helping him to dress, and helping him to the chair. He asked for a small table and spent some time between naps pulling together papers on the library and school, funding from the Ackles Foundation at the core of the work. Mackenzie knew nothing of the Joseph Adams who had submitted the plan, but he had exchanged a few pieces of correspondence with her, tracing each letter of her returned handwritten notes, with the grief of missing home, deep in his heart.

 

Asale tutted as Jensen looked at figures and quantities and wrote more onto the project plan, all the time humming low under his breath, feeling as if he was giving his damaged lungs a workout. He knew Asale was looking out for him, knew her own worries about rebuilding the school, knowing the last one had been burnt to the ground by low country bandits three years back. It still stood, a few feet high, the outline of it, the foundations dug by hand, as a crumbling monument of trouble that had slipped past this township. Asale had said often, 'if we don’t have no school, then we cant lose no school,' although inside Jensen knew she cried for the children, the orphans she cared for, and the school that had drawn them here.

 

There hadn’t been any trouble since Jensen had been here, in fact the countryside had been quiet for a long time, he supposed the orphans to AIDs had been blessed in this way, and sent a prayer upward every night to keep it that way.

 

This lack of trouble was why Jensen didn’t react as quick as he would normally have done when Dulani and Azibo scurried up to him shouting and yelling and tumbling over each other to be heard.

 

He made out the word bandits, he made out the word guns, he told them to run, with the others, to run, way out back and to stay quiet, and then he stood. Unarmed and weak he stood, silent in the shade watching the jeep get closer, the small plume of dust increasing as it grew nearer, his heart turning in his chest, his head spinning with the worry of what was coming towards him. He tried to draw himself tall, even as the jeep stopped some ten feet away from the main hut, and a figure climbed down, blurred in the shimmer of heat that lay on the ground. The figure wouldn’t have spotted Jensen where he was standing, but some sixth sense made that person turn until he stood facing Jensen, his hands shielding his eyes.

 

Jensen slumped back against the tree. There was no mistaking the height of the man, or the way he held himself, it had only been a matter of time.

 

Jared.


	4. Chapter 4

Jared

 

Jensen wasn’t sure if Jared had at first recognised him from where he was standing but it was with purpose that the tall man strode over the uneven ground, his intent clear - to reach the shadows of the tree. When he was a mere six feet away he paused momentarily, and even though Jensen couldn’t see his expression, not in close detail, there was Jared’s smile, Jared’s hands wide, his long legs eating the feet between them, until at last he stood within reach. Jensen tensed for reaction, for touch, leaning back against tree, hands behind his back his hands firm on the smooth bark of the tree, waiting.

 

Jared opened his mouth to say something, and Jensen watched carefully as words stalled in his ex lover’s mouth. He guessed it was a lot to take in, seeing Jensen after so long, seeing him standing in this strange place. He waited for Jared to touch. That was what Jared did, touched, felt, learned through hugs and embraces, and Jensen braced himself for the emotions that would come with that familiar contact. He knew he was weak; physically he was drained, mentally it had been so long, loneliness for his lovers touch carved into his heart. He was scared one simple touch of the beautiful man who stood in front of him would crash down every wall he had built. So damn tall, Jensen had forgotten how broad Jared was and how physically dominating his presence could be, somehow at odds with this strong man, Jensen saw eyes wet with tears, a stunned shock on Jared's face. 

 

The tall man reached out, moved into Jensen’s space, gripped the shorter man’s T-shirt and leaned into him, their foreheads touching. He smelt the same, warm and hot and Jared. Jensen could feel a trembling in the taller man, an uncertainty in his touch that Jensen had never seen before.

 

“Jensen,” he finally said, his voice thick, his hands strong in the soft worn cotton that stretched tight across Jensen’s chest, the two syllables of Jensen’s name lengthened and drawled in a near silent whisper. Jensen felt his heart tighten in his chest - what was Jared going to say? What could he possibly say that would cover what Jensen imagined was in Jared’s heart, I hate you, I loved you, I want you, where did you go, why did you leave… Jensen wanted to speak; he wanted to be the one to sum up the last eighteen months in enough words to make Jared go back to Dallas, go back home and leave him here. So much time had passed and the touch of Jared’s fingers gripping tight to the material of his T-shirt seemed to be verging on desperate as he clung.

 

Some people could have imagined this reunion; Jensen knew Jared had the resources to find him, knew he couldn’t hide forever. Most would have a rehearsed speech; a monologue of reasoned measured words, but Jensen had nothing. However far Jared had fallen from grace, and whatever he had done for the money he craved… however fractured Jensen’s love for the taller man had been… there was part of Jensen, that just wanted to fall sobbing to the floor, and lose himself in the grip of his ex lover. He had to be strong, had to stick to his principals, and with a determination built of that single thought, he eased back away from Jared’s hold to press closer to the tree. The move pulled Jared’s hand with the material and caused the taller man to rock on his heels, a little startled at the sudden move.

 

“What… what are you doing here Jared?” Jensen started, inwardly sighing at the pain in his throat as he pushed out the question. Jared said nothing, just took a step back and looked at Jensen, his face a combination of shock at the question and a frown of being asked to answer the obvious. Jensen moved his fingers idly over the bark, lowering his eyes and worrying his lip with his teeth, this was not what he expected. Why couldn’t Jared have damn well just given up. He felt Jared’s fingers lifting his chin, the warmth of his touch making Jensen flinch back, protecting himself from the one thing they always did right, physically connect.

 

“I’ve found you,” Jared said, as if that was answer enough, “I want to say sorry, I want you to... come home.”

 

”I didn’t want to be found Jared”

 

”How can you say that? So many years.” There was passion in Jared’s eyes, daring Jensen to deny the years they had collected, the love they had shared.

 

“Years of lies Jared, I…” Jensen stopped. He didn’t want to argue, it was pointless to argue, he had made his decision and that was that, end of. He wasn’t going to stay in a relationship that used his own love to kill him, wasn’t going to watch one more kiss with another person, man or woman, one more stolen idea. Pushing himself gently away from the tree he tried to stand as tall as he could, but the cramps in his chest made breathing difficult and he knew he had to sit down, or fall down.

 

“Jensen, please, you have to listen to me…” Jared paused as Jensen stumbled in front of him, and he focused again on the thin skin stretched taught over a body that had lost more weight than it could handle. Jensen’s eyes were sunken and red and darkly shaded, the spark of life in them the only thing that proved he was alive. Jared caught the unsteady man in a firm hold, horrified at the bones where muscle should be formed, the frailty where there used to be strength. He breathed in the air around Jensen, it smelt of dust and sweat and Africa, Jensen smelt different. “What happened Jen?” the nickname slipped past Jared’s lips without him noticing, as Jensen seemed to lean heavier and heavier on him. Jensen made a sound, a groan deep in his throat and he slid down the trunk to sit on the ground, back against the cool wood, he felt the bottle of water placed in his hand and gratefully he swallowed enough to ease the pain in his throat.

 

“Just got a chest thing,” Jensen finally offered and shielded his eyes, looking up at a frowning Jared. Frowning Jared, now that was an expression he was familiar with, how often had Jared come to bed, laptop in one of his hands, phone in the other, frowning and discussing and agreeing and dealing.

 

Jared looked around him, and Jensen followed his gaze, trying to see the collection of huts and buildings through a stranger’s eyes. What Jensen saw was age and use and love, what he imagined Jared saw was poverty and disrepair, it was always going to be the problem for them. Jensen wanted to make, and build, and design, and learn quietly in the background, which Jared had always seen as strange. Why build what others wont ever see... wont ever praise? Jared wanted the end result, wanted the money, the notoriety, the adoration, and didn’t seem to have the morals to stop and see what he was doing to get there.

 

Jensen watched as Jared looked, seeing his expression relax from the frown, a project he didn’t have a handle on, to an almost smug look, as the situation became one he felt he could control. Jensen was here, quite obviously ill, living in this poverty, it would take very little for Jensen to come home, Jared had control of that, he could see an outcome.

 

This assumption of control, this wave of contentment that started to push it’s way through the shock at seeing Jensen was ironic considering what happened next.

 

A tangle of small brown limbs and sticks and shouts in a language Jared didn’t understand, pushing at him and shoving at him, and it was all he could do to stay standing under the onslaught of so much at one time.

 

“Azibo, Dulani…” Screams behind him, scream of abject fear, and Jared spun, unceremoniously dumping two small boys on the ground and facing the wrong end of a length of wood, ducking reflexively even as it connected with the side of his head. He slumped to his knees, his hands immediately covering his head, trying to protect himself, trying to see Jensen.

 

Jensen watched horrified as Azibo and Dulani had launched themselves from behind the huts with bloodthirsty yells and sturdy sticks hanging off of Jared in seconds, the surprise stealing words from him... they needed to stop... and then Asale, with a black soot tinged beam from the old school, bringing the wood crashing up around Jared’s head and Jared falling to his knees… it all happened so fast, Asale standing breathing heavy as she angled for another hit – “Bandit! Bandit!”

 

“No, Asale,” he shouted, as the boys scrambled to their feet and launched themselves at Jared again. “Azibo, Dulani, no.” He wasn’t shouting enough, and Jared was trying to stand, don’t let Jared hurt the kids, they’re my kids, Asale, get them away from here… “Jared,” he roared, coughing and spluttering and starting to slide down the tree… Jared turned, fear in his eyes at the sound of his name, but it wasn’t for him Jensen was calling, it was for Asale to stop, for Asale to understand the one word ‘Jared’ and to stop. She stopped on the downswing, her face frozen even as Jared managed to stand.

 

”You are jay-red,” she asked, looking up at the man with blood running down his face onto his white shirt and his light coloured pants. She still had the stick, and Dulani hovered behind her unsure of what to do next. Azibo didn’t hesitate; he dropped to his knees next to Jensen who was breathing unsteadily and who grasped hold of Azibo like he couldn’t let go. “Jay-red?” she raised the stick when Jared didn’t immediately reply and Jared unconsciously raised his other hand in a gesture of defence against this tiny woman who couldn’t be more that five six.

 

“Jared,” he said, “I’m Jared… I don’t…” he looked round at Jensen, at the small boy who crouched between Jensen and him, at the other boy with the stick at this woman who had brought him to his knees, “Jensen…”

 

“You scared them Jared,” Jensen started, “you come here with your jeep and your attitude and you stand there … you scared them.” Jared blinked steadily, as blood dripped into his eyes and he pushed harder with his fingers to try and stop the bleeding. It was surreal. His lover in the dirt, thin and exhausted and ill, kids now swarming around him, some looking for Jensen’s reassurance, some checking him for hurts, all of them looking at Jared with a fear in them that cut through him.

 

Asale tugged at Jared’s sleeve, “you need to fix this head’” she said simply and in shock he felt himself being guided into the semi-darkness of the closest building which turned out to be a medical room of some kind. Rudimentary supplies and a steel bed, which he sat on when she pushed him to sit. She didn’t say anything, just poured some kind of, what he assumed was, antiseptic on the graze and then handing him a pad to press against it. She left, just walked out without a word, and he stood to follow, stopping at the door taking in the hustle and bustle of children in the hot sun, not quite accepting what had just happened.

 

He had come here for Jensen, was here to take him away from all this, to take him home.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“I’m not going back with you.” Six words. Simple words, not tinged with bitterness or revenge, just confidence and certainty. Jared had sat down next to Jensen under the tree, the children hovering around the edge of the building watching and talking amongst themselves with words Jared didn’t understand.

 

”Jen,” Jared was trying to work up to that, didn’t expect Jensen to cut to the chase as quick as this

 

“There is nothing back there for me.” Jensen added, his voice suddenly cold in the heat of the day.

 

“Me,” Jared said quickly, “you have to come back. For me.”

 

Jensen sighed, wrapping his hands around his knees and dropping his head onto the soft cotton of his pants. Jared would say that.

 

“That’s is the whole thing Jay, for you, you want me to go back for you, not… not for us”

 

“That’s semantics, I meant us”

 

“No, Jay, I don’t believe you did mean us, it’s always…” he paused, always was the wrong word to use, and he needed to show Jared it hadn’t been all the time, “…the last few years, up to the whole Amethyst thing, up to me leaving, there was no us. We just happened to sleep in the same bed. You didn’t…”

 

“Didn’t what Jen?”

 

Didn’t love me, didn’t want me… “Jay, I’m happy here, I wasn’t happy there, and you… you are happier with your money and your toys than you ever will be, or ever was, with me.”

 

“I’m not, I mean I wasn’t… Jen…” Jared stopped, he could see Jensen slipping through his fingers, and every regret he had, every sorry he wanted to say died on his lips. “It killed me when you left,” he said softly, “I would have dreams where you were there with me, and I changed and you stayed, and I would wake up and you were gone, your side of the bed…”

 

“Jay… if it been spur of the moment, it would have killed me to leave, but I had already left a while back.” He dragged a shaking hand through his short dark hair, as if deciding what to say next.

 

“Please - “ Jared started, resting his hand on Jensen’s, a familiar touch, curling it into his fingers, reassured at the warmth of his skin.

 

“I’m not stupid,” Jensen interrupted, ”I knew about the flirting and the kisses, and the lying, and the deals, and the hurt you caused dragging companies to the edge for your own gain.”

 

Jared flinched, even though Jensen wasn’t accusing, he was just telling, it still smarted that Jensen was right.

 

“Jensen I want to say I am sorry. Sorry for it all. Please. Please come home. Give us a second chance.”

 

Jensen sighed twisting his fingers into Jared’s, as if through touch he might show Jared how he felt inside. “Do you remember the times we talked Jared? All those times I tried to tell you how I felt, the times you said that you would change?”

 

“I changed,” Jared defended himself, immediately, and then had the grace to look away from Jensen even as the lie left his lips. He had tried to change, but the lure of the money, the prestige, wanting to be as rich as his family on his own terms, and then wanting to exceed that wealth, it would always call to him.

 

“You changed for a week, a day, sometimes almost a month Jay. You know that, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You never really changed, and heartbroken or not, I am not convinced you’re changed now to demand me home for you.” Jared winced and Jensen realised how harsh he probably sounded. Guilt niggled at the edges of his consciousness, maybe the last eighteen months had changed Jared, not enough to make Jensen trust him again, but…

 

“I will change Jensen if it means you come home where you belong. Your family are lost without you, Mac…” Jared paused, “…she works damn hard for this foundation you set up, but she misses you, and Josh… he keeps phoning and…” his voice trailed off as he saw real pain in Jensen’s face, knowing he would already feel the loss of his family, they were so close. He immediately felt remorse bring Jensen’s family into this. “I will change Jensen”

 

“I can’t trust you Jared, I just can’t.” Jensen shook his head.

 

“What can I do to prove to you that - ” Jared felt his cell vibrate in his pocket and instinctively he stopped talking and let go of Jensen’s hand to answer it, stopping a millisecond after he moved, realising what he had just done. He looked up into green eyes that looked suddenly so angry, and a knife of regret sawed into his heart. In that single movement he had made he could see it all so clearly.

 

“Jay, you need to go now, take the phone, and the money and the empty promises and go,” Jared pushed himself to stand, his head spinning with what had just happened, he had to go, he was destroying everything…

 

“I’m going,” he said, spinning on his heel and almost running to the jeep, slamming it into gear and following the trail out of the village until only dust remained where he had been.

 

Asale watched the tall man, this Jay-red leave, her heart sad, and she walked out to where Jensen sat against the tree, fat tears tracking down his dusty cheeks, manoeuvring herself to squat down next to him, reaching out to touch his hand.

 

“What is your real name?” she asked softly, and Jensen looked up. There was no censure in her voice, no anger in her face that he had essentially lied to them all for eighteen months. He turned his hand to grip hers tight, words failing him to know how to thank her for what she was to him, for how she had become such a good friend. He tried to stop the tears, but knew they had been amassing for a long time behind the façade of coping that he had built around him.

 

“Jensen,” he said gruffly, his eyes focusing on the trail of dust that obscured the sky to the west. “My name is Jensen”.


	5. Chapter 5

Jensen accepted some of the blame. He knew he had become a virtual recluse, locked away in the lab with his computers, his highs for code that cascaded in his brain, his lows for code that faltered and skipped. He had been able to see how much his life was centered on his computers and vowed after the first project that that was the end of it. He wasn’t going to live a life defined by his work, he wanted a life with Jared, time that they spent together and enjoyed. When the first flush of success had died down, when the balance of burning the candle at both ends and having an active sexual relationship began to falter, Jensen began to realize that Jared hadn’t reached the same conclusion as he had, and that was when Jensen started to talk

 

We don’t see each other, we don’t have time for each other, we need to work harder at us, money isn’t everything…

 

He watched Jared struggle; knew the reason why he worked so hard to achieve financial reward, only had to look at his disapproving father to understand why. Jared’s family had never really wrapped their heads around the whole gay thing, couldn’t accept that their only son was not only interested in men but that he would never produce the next generation of oil rich Padaleckis for the great Texas dynasty. The fallout had been spectacular, never let it be said that Jared accepted shit from anyone, including his own family, and when he stood in front of his father, the old ‘you wont get a penny from me’ threat hanging in the air between them, Jared didn’t hold back.

 

He had sworn in that office, in front of a shell-shocked Jensen and Jared’s weeping mother, that he didn’t need a penny of Padalecki money and that he would build his own company. He was with Jensen, he loved Jensen, and that was that. It was a grand gesture and it warmed Jensen’s heart to think that Jared would give up so much for him. When they were outside the building, under the sign that proclaimed Padalecki Oil in navy and gold, they just held each other, Jensen could feel Jared shaking, and they stood.

 

Jared had proved he was right. He didn’t need oil to make his money, he had the new gold, the new oil, technology, not the dot com, he was too late for that, but good solid telecoms technology, computer technology, enough new ideas to fill a stadium and the will and determination to make it work.

 

So Jensen could see what drove Jared; the same thing that drove most people, happiness, even peace. It just appeared to Jensen that Jared’s happiness had become a drug habit that his lover could not kick; Jensen doubted Jared even knew how much money he was worth, just that he had the new this and the very latest that and that in his mind equated to success, which in turn equated to happiness. JTech had become a force to be reckoned with at the cutting edge of telecoms, with Jensen happily in R&D and Jared the salesman, the front man. Where had it all gone wrong?

 

They had talked and talked, Jared had listened, Jensen had listened, they knew what each needed, Jensen felt himself sliding into the position of backing down, seeing Jared’s point of view, understanding his motivations and always making excuses for him. Still, Jared heard what Jensen had to say,

 

This is destroying our relationship, we need to work at this, let’s have a holiday…

 

It’s not like we’re married Jensen, if you want a holiday go, take Chris, call Mackenzie, go to Hawaii

 

Jared, your obsession is out of control, we have more than enough money…

 

It isn’t about money Jensen, it is about staying at the top of the game

 

Jared, we have R&D that will take us into the next few years, can we not stop?

 

You snooze you lose Jen

 

Jared heard but he didn’t really listen, didn’t actually take anything of what Jensen was saying on board and the cracks started to show. Events became soulless, talk became focused on new ideas and money, relationships outside of their relationship became more important to them both. Jensen and Chris became closer, their focus on the purity of design, on the nuts and bolts of technology, Chris became what Jensen needed in his white world of computers and codes, a friend, someone who listened, who heard.

 

And Jared? Jared slipped away, slowly but surely, day by day he became greedier and needier, using methods that didn’t escape Jensen’s notice to achieve what he wanted. If it meant flirting and entertaining, Jared was there, if it meant underhand deals and useless contracts, Jared was there, if the situation called for espionage, Jared was there. He justified every single wrong, every single push to make JTech bigger than Padalecki Oil, as the right thing to do.

 

Still when it came down to it, as Jensen watched Jared’s jeep drive away into the gathering evening light, the dust high and still on the Malawi horizon, it wasn’t success he felt at Jared leaving so suddenly at his request, it was grief. He didn’t want Jared to stay, had crossed Jared out of his life a long time again, but a tiny part of him, the very corner of his unsettled heart, wanted to hear that losing Jensen had made a difference in Jared’s life. He needed to hear that maybe Jared had changed, that he hadn’t meant to reach for the phone, that it was instinct and nothing else. But he hadn’t stayed, he had gone white, his face tight in shock and horror, and he had backed away from Jensen and run.

 

A clean break was probably what JensenJared needed. A clean break with actual goodbyes, not a break where Jensen ran in the night and hid. So if Jensen knew that was the right thing, the best thing, why did he close his eyes against tears, and wrap his arms around his chest as if his heart was broken? When Asale asked him his name, Jensen, my name is Jensen; it was a step in the direction of accepting who he had been and what he could become. Joe was his sanctuary, his hiding place, Jensen was his future, and if it was a future without Jared then that was how it was going to be.

 

He really had no choice.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The hotel was beautiful, the Protea Hotel Ryalls was described in a notice by the door as the gateway to the warm heart of Malawi, and it was a level of luxury that Jared was used to. It was slap bang in the middle of the thriving commercial capital of Malawi, in the business district right in the financial hub, where millionaires were separated from poverty by diamond lit glass and leather upholstery. The walls were adorned with images of visiting dignitaries, royalty, actors, singers and politicians… the hotel reeked of money and success and could have been a hotel in any major city in the world. The security was high but discrete, the rooms palatial, the money needed to stay there extensive.

 

Jared spotted Steve lurking in the foyer, checking his watch and speaking agitatedly into his cell phone, a cluster of people around him. Jared knew he had at least five missed calls on his cell, knew it had to have been Steve that was trying to get hold of him, but couldn’t face him, just had to get to his room. Nodding to security, who instantly straightened and moved to speak into his earpiece, he placed a finger over his lips and shushed the guard, slipping quietly up and to his room, keying the code for entrance and standing silent in the cool space, leaning down to untie his boots and cross to the bed, laying back. He spoke briefly into his cell, told Steve he was in the room, and then he just laid still, his heart thumping madly in his chest, the journey back to the room a blur of bumps and dips, bruises on his shoulders from the seatbelt as he jarred uncomfortably on barely there roads.

 

He heard the door open, the single sigh from Steve as he entered the room, and then he saw the accompanying frown that was on Steve’s face.

 

“Jared, where the hell have you been?” Jared just raised an eyebrow and Steve sighed, again, “…don’t answer that, you were with Jensen, you found him, damn it Jared, you were suppose to go with security.”

 

“You didn’t follow me,” Jared observed softly, and Steve shook his head.

 

“I knew that you’d find some way to slip me, what was the point?”

 

“I wanted to see him on my own," Jared pointed out, and reached his arms out above his head, regret and shame acid in his stomach and he rolled over on to his front, crossing his hands under his chin and looking out of the window to the Malawi outside of the window. He felt the bed move as Steve perched himself on the edge, a warm hand cupping his shoulder, a gentle reassuring squeeze.

 

“Tell me?” his friend said, and Jared squeezed his eyes tight shut, trying to hold tears inside.

 

“I blew it Steve.”

 

“How? Did he not want to see you?”

 

“At first… I think he was shocked… to see me… and then we talked… he talked. He didn’t look well, grey, thin, tired, more than tired. He smelt wrong. Like sun and sweat and Africa, and all I wanted to do…” Jared’s voice tailed off, what had he wanted to do? Grab him, run, take him home, love him, and learn to be what Jensen wanted…

 

“What?” Steve asked as the pause grew, “what did you want to do?” Steve waited; didn’t push again. He had lived these last few months with Jared, ever since he had been hired to find the missing lover, had seen the highs and lows, seen through the act that was Jared Tristan Padalecki, grown to enjoy his company, see his faults, learn his strengths. He had dug deep to find Jensen Ackles, Jared hadn’t held back, detailed every single wrong, given Steve unprecedented access to his life, his loves, his company. They had become friends, and it was often Steve that Jared would seek out to talk, to clear his head. He knew how much Jared loved Jensen, or as Steve had started to see, loved the idea of Jensen, loved the relationship they had started six years ago. He also had theories as to why it had all gone wrong, as much as any outsider could comment on an intimate relationship. He saw a thirst for money, for power, for knowledge, and the falling off for a need for love. He had seen it a lot, been the investigator in many divorce cases, saw singular perfect new love destroyed by money, by affairs, by self destructive needs outside of the relationship. It was sad, but it was a part of life, and six months into this Padalecki Ackles drama he could see it coming to an end.

 

“What did I want to do?” Jared replied, his voice choked, his eyes still tight shut, “I wanted to look into his eyes and have him believe that I want to try.”

 

“What went wrong Jared? I mean, did you tell him how you felt?”

 

Jared snorted into his hands, tell him, yeah and I blew it… “I tried,” he started simply, “then every single thing I said, every promise I wanted to give, I blew it, when I… “ He stopped, tears choking his voice, and collecting on his face and his hands, the grief so raw it was spilling out however hard he tried to contain it. Steve wasn’t sure what to say just squeezed the younger man’s arm again and murmured nonsense into the cool air.

 

“I… I didn’t mean to… I said I wanted to try… asked him to trust me… and the phone…”

 

“Jared?”

 

“It was instinct… I didn’t mean too… I made to answer the damn phone… and he closed down in front of me… and he told me to go”

 

“The phone?” Steve was puzzled

 

“’You’re always on the phone Jared’, he would say, he’d tell me to stop, to come to bed… fuck… I went to answer the fuckin’ phone.” realization hit Steve, ohhh…

 

“He told you to go.” It was a rhetorical question; Jared was in no fit state to be reliving this. “Jared, do you want to go? Do you want me to sort things for you?”

 

Jared lifted red eyes, sorrow carved deep in his face, guilt and anger a healthy mix in his eyes. “I don’t know Steve, I don’t know”.

 

He curled in on himself and Steve left when he realized Jared needed time. Maybe now was a good place to organize the company jet to be ready, to call in his staff and fly them all back to Texas. Steve needed to be doing something…

 

Jared heard his friend leave, feeling the weight of expectation leave with him. He didn’t want to answer questions about Jensen, didn’t want to have to justify anything to anyone. He knew what he had done and he knew he had done it before, shutting down Jensen for the sake of a new deal, a new contract, a new requisition. How was it then that Jensen had stayed so long with him? Surely there must be something about Jared that Jensen had stayed for, he must have found something to keep on loving him.

 

He still loved Jensen, he did. He may not show it in the same way as other partners, maybe now flowers, or meals or the other stuff that het couples did, but for god’s sake they were men, Texan men, and there were limits now they were in the real world away from the childish play area of college where anything went. Added to that Jared knew that he had looked after Jensen, provided for him, had made his lover richer than he ever imagined, that was how he showed he cared. He had never cheated on him… well never fucked around on him anyway, and that was the real point.

 

Jared had committed himself to Jensen, and OK they had problems at the moment, but nothing that bad. He needed his cell on him at all times, otherwise he would miss out, that was all there was to it.

 

Jared groaned as he listened to himself, what an idiot, why hadn’t he seen it before, when did he ever give Jensen affection let alone time out of his day, and how the fuck was he going to get Jensen to see what he really wanted.

Was it really too late?

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t stop reliving every minute of the day, the single recognition that Jared hadn’t changed, played over and over in his mind. He slid out from under the netting, pulling on boots and tramping out to the raised decking he had built the summer before just so he could lay out under the stars away from ground snakes. Asale regularly treated the wood with some kind of fluid that kept away the more dangerous of ants and it was somewhere that Jensen could sit and think before the chill of the night drove him back inside.

 

Tonight was the clearest of nights, the moon heavy and round at its fullest, lightening the sky around it with an ethereal glow. He laid back and looked up, settling himself as best he could when his chest constricted with a cough. He could admit to being a geek when it came to constellations and he could see Sirius and Virgo, the Southern Cross, Antares… each star or group of stars making sense of their place in the night sky. There was an incredible sense of peace here, of rightness, no light pollution in the darkness like there was in Dallas, just each star a white pulse in the velvet black. He looked north, the big dipper just on the edge of his peripheral vision, and at the centre of all these stars, the moon too bright to make out Jupiter as a separate point of recognition.

 

Today he had said a final goodbye to Jared, said it to his face, made it known why he left, and for some reason that lightened his heart even as tears rolled down his face, splintering starlight into a thousand fractured points.

 

Goodbye.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Steve paced. Stopped. Opened his mouth to say something. Looked at Jared dressed in jeans and a tshirt proclaiming 'I love Malawi'. Then paced again.

 

He didn’t actually know what to say, how to say it… he wasn’t paid to make decisions for Jared, but shit, no one else was here to stop him. Jared continued in his calm even voice.

 

“… so I spent time on the net and cell with the lawyers, surprising it only takes a day to change it all, set it all up so it can run without me for a while, for as long as it takes and I’ve put Chris in charge reporting to the board. I want you to go home Steve, back to Dallas, with the jet and…” he waved expansively at his packed bags, “…all this stuff.”

 

“Jared - ”

 

“You’ve been a good friend over the last half year,” Jared began, a half smile on his face, “go home, I’m not paying y’all to be my bodyguard.”

 

“Jared, is that my duffle?” Steve blurted out as he caught sight of his beat up bag on Jared’s back.

 

Jared just shrugged sheepishly. “I couldn’t take mine… I kinda lifted yours… it fitted more… I went to the shop got some shirts and like my only jeans...” he stopped, suddenly looking very unsure.

 

“It’s OK.” Steve said simply, watching as Jared turned back and opened the door, and glancing down to notice the one thing Jared would be lost without, “Jared, your cell”.

 

Jared stopped and looked back over his shoulder, his face carefully blank and shook his head, “I don’t need it. I don’t want it.”

 

“Jared, what if he says… no?”

 

“I won’t let him,” Jared replied confidently, even as his fingers curled and uncurled reflexively in the straps of the borrowed duffle. “I won’t let him.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It had been a slow day. The kids and Asale were tiptoeing around him and Jensen was near to screaming at the enforced rest his illness had caused. He wanted to get on with the project, wanted to dig that first hole, start something new, and let the heartache take second place. He was grouchy and miserable and even sitting in the shade it was stifling hot, making breathing difficult. With the nearing darkness of his second night after Jared had left, he sighed with relief as the breathing became easier and he relaxed back into the chair. He began to apologise to his kids, with hugs and promises not to be grouchy in the morning, explaining that he just needed sleep. Not one of them questioned him.

 

It was nearly two in the morning when the jeep arrived at the small community, lights flashing and dipping as it maneuvered around potholes, finally stopping by the remains of the old school. Jensen stood and climbed down from the platform, anger in him, that if this was Jared, why was he back, why was he flogging a dead horse?

 

“Jensen,” his ex lover said softly, moving closer, revealing that he was dressed in jeans and an 'I love Malawi' tshirt. He held a duffle in one hand and he lifted both that hand and the other in entreaty. “I want to know what to do to make you trust that I can change Jensen. I’m here to stay. No phones, no computers, no money, no JTech. Tell me what I need to do.”

 

Jensen listened to the words, his head spinning, shock sending shivers down his spine. Jared just returned the steady stare, the darkness making it difficult to see his expression, although his body language was that of confidence.

 

Jensen turned on his heel.

 

“I’ll show you where you can sleep,” he said simply.


	6. Chapter 6

Jared followed Jensen, trying to look anywhere other than directly at the Tshirt that engulfed the shorter man or the short sweats that hung loose on angular hip bones . It had shocked him yesterday to see his lover so gaunt and tired; Africa was killing him, surely Jensen could see that. It was making him ill, and whatever reason there was for Jensen to be hiding in this godforsaken back end of nowhere surely it wasn’t worth losing his health? Jared decided there and then that when they got home he would book Jensen in for some kind of check up, a work up, some kind of hospital stay to get him back to full strength, and with that kind of slotted on his to do list he felt less uncomfortable following Jensen into the small hut. He could make out an iron bed frame with a thin mattress lifted up on it’s side and he hesitated, there was nothing else, exhaustion was touching the edges of his thoughts; he had been up all night settling JTech for the week, he imagined he could sleep anywhere.

 

“It’s where the doctor sleeps,” Jensen offered.

 

“The doctor,” Jared repeated, sure that that probably meant something important.

 

“Stay in here ‘til the morning Jared, understand me? I’ll come find you.” Jensen’s voice was clipped and crisp.

 

“Stay?” Jared asked, wondering at the edge in Jensen’s voice, moving slightly to let the other man pass him out of the door.

 

“It’s safe in here Jared,” Jensen said carefully, inhaling to pass the final few inches without touching. Jared stopped him, with a gentle touch on his arm he made Jensen hesitate. They stood for a breathless moment, each wondering what to say. Jensen wanted to shrug off the touch, not wanting to admit how much the touch of Jared’s fingers made him itch to pull his arm back like he had been burnt. Betrayal stiffened his back and made him pull his skin away from Jared’s open emotions, looking at him directly, his eyes hooded in the subtle darkness of the moonlit room. Jared open his mouth to speak, and Jensen couldn’t listen, didn’t want to hear the lies that would come out of his ex lover’s mouth.

 

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” Jensen said abruptly and left, pulling the corrugated iron door close behind him, shutting Jared away from his space.

 

“Jen-Sen?” A soft voice in the half dark and Jensen was undone, closing his eyes tight and bowing his head briefly. Asale, the owner of the soft voice, moved instantly to his side, guiding him away from the doctor’s hut, her movements purposeful but unhurried. She didn’t say anything; she didn’t need to, her touch was enough as she supported and guided him to his own place, a small room attached to the dormitory, passing the sleeping children tucked and tumbled like sleeping puppies on the light coloured sheets. Jensen paused at the last bed, looking down at Azibo and Dulani head to toe and sprawled wide, adjusting the netting that protected them and sighing. Asale still didn’t speak, she didn’t very often say much, her actions always speaking volumes, and she simply pushed him slightly into the room that he called his own, encouraging him onto his bed and pulling the netting down. She waited as the man she called son eased himself onto his side, wincing as his chest pulled in the motion, he was so hurt, had been so ill, this Jay-red, this was too much now, and resentment prickled her spine, a gentle soul was here in this bed and she could only see bad things for him.

 

He muttered words on a sigh and she heard every one of them, every forced syllable, thank you Asale, I’m sorry, I’ll sort it in the morning...

 

You have nothing to be sorry for Jen-Sen, nothing.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Sweet potato. Breakfast, for Jared, after the shortest of sleeps, was mostly sweet potato, and weak instant coffee, left at his door by a stern looking Asale. Asale who said nothing, but who indicated the food and the coffee with a wave of her hand and a flurry of tartan, as she bustled off. Jared didn’t know the official time, given his watch was one of the things he had left behind he had to use the colour of the sky and his jonesing for caffeine to guage it was probably about six am. Six am. No more than two hours sleep, and that restless and fidgety as he tried to fit six four of Jared onto a five foot bed, and now, he didn’t have the one thing that framed his day, his vicious grip on time. On a normal day, in Texas, at home, if it was six he was checking emails, seven, working out, a run, a swim, something to settle him to think. By nine he was in the office, his home office, at twelve he was given lunch and by one he was in the city. Back by six he had dinner and then if he wasn’t in social meetings he was working and in bed by midnight. His routine had only changed a small amount after Jensen had left. Before he left, Jared’s schedule had always had time for Jensen, always. Sometimes they shared lunch, sometimes they had a Saturday off together and they always ended up in the same bed, not always awake at the same time, but close enough to cuddle and belong.

 

Time was precious. Time was important, and Jared felt a twinge of unease as he rubbed his empty wrist, missing the time piece, missing his frame of reference. Yawning and reaching high, his fingers brushing the ceiling, he resolved to see if Jensen had a watch, or that Asale woman or someone. Coffee cup in hand, and wincing at the weak brew, he pushed open the door. The gentle warmth of the early morning took the edge off of the cold night, sounds of pans and shouting from a large building to the left, children’s voices, no Jensen. He stretched again, lifting his face to the newborn sun low in the sky and breathed in the stillness and dust of the new day.

 

Following the noise he moved towards the newer looking building standing momentarily at the door and looking in at the chaos inside. More children than Jared had seen on his last visit, maybe twenty, Asale moving between them, dispensing smiles and sweet potato and water. Jensen was sitting hunched at an end table, a mug, similar to Jared’s, held tight in his hands, his head buried as if in prayer. One of the children, Jared was sure it was one of the boys that had jumped him a few days earlier, climbed up next to Jensen and put his arms around Jensen’s neck, pulling him out of his hunched position and forcing him to sit upright before climbing onto his lap for a hug. Jared watched as Jensen pulled the child in for a close cuddle, feeling a momentary pang of jealousy that this child could touch Jensen so freely when he wasn’t even allowed to talk to his partner.

 

Wrinkling his nose at the overwhelming smell of the cooked potato and some indefinable aroma of children and dust he dropped into the chair opposite Jensen and yawned widely. Jensen looked up, easing the small child off of his lap, and sending him off with a few words in what Jared assumed was the native language that was spoken here, whatever that was.

 

“Interesting breakfast,” Jared said wryly, draining the coffee in one go and tapping the mug impatiently on the table wondering who he needed to bribe for more caffeine.

 

“Uh huh.” Jensen replied, cutting the conversation dead. Jared still wore his ‘I love Malawi’ tshirt and the same faded jeans and Jensen eyed him carefully, wondering what he was going to say next. He expected it would be something like ‘come home, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean it’ ecetera ecetara and that was what Jensen was ready for. It was so hard to be sitting there, opposite the only person he had ever really loved, feeling every single pain of the separation as fresh as if had happened yesterday. He noticed Jared touching his wrist, hazel eyes flicking to where his watch would normally be, wondered how hard it was for Jared to be separated from his babies, his technology. He wanted to say something, to warn Jared away; just leave, go back home to your phone and your laptop, because i am building a new life, leave me alone.

 

He said none of it and, as Jared lifted his eyes and they looked at each other carefully, Jensen realised he didn’t have to say a word because Jared knew what Jensen was thinking. Whatever their problems, they had such a natural connection, that Jensen had to move to another continent to try and escape from it.

 

Azibo clambered onto the chair next to them, a fresh cup of coffee in his hand which he slid carefully in front of Jensen. Jared looked at it longingly, it looked suspiciously much stronger than his had been, and he remembered how it always took at least two coffees for Jensen to wake up fully when they were in college, he had no idea if that was still the case.

 

“Zikomo, thank you, Azibo,” Jensen murmured, touching Azibo’s arm and smiling gently.

 

“Ndimakukonda, Bambo,” Azibo smiled back and scurried off towards Asale who pulled him in for a hug and bent down to whisper in his ear. Azibo looked back at Jared and Jensen, and Jared swore he saw the boy pout, something Asale had said was making the little guy look so serious. Jared put two and two together as Azibo made his way back to their table a fresh, and very much stronger, coffee in his hand. Silently he slid it across to Jared, his face tight with concentration and his liquid brown eyes suspicious and narrowed. Jared fell on the mug and inhaled his first swallow even as Azibo started to move away.

 

“Thank you,” Jared said gratefully, causing Azibo to pause and turn to face him, his nose crumpled in a childish show of displeasure. He hesitated, almost like he wanted to say something, then he just turned back and continued to sit with the other children, leaving Jared and the coffee sitting opposite a very quiet Jensen.

 

This was going so well.

 

Not

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Seven, or what Jared guessed was seven, meant school apparently, and the children scattered, pushing tables and chairs back against the wall, and then sitting where they stood in an informal group. They hadn’t moved Jared, or his table and he wasn’t sure what Jensen wanted him to do. He had stood and left some ten minutes before without a word, coming back with an armful of paperwork and looking very pale and shaky on his feet. Jared half stood, he knew Jensen, and this Jensen that stood at the door looked like he was going to keel over, but Asale beat him too it, at Jensen’s side before he took a step inside. They exchanged words, heated words, Jensen’s body language tight and stiff, Jared couldn’t hear what was being said and he fully stood to move closer, listened to the argument. Asale said Jensen was too ill, Jensen argued that the children had already missed too much, Asale said she would do it, Jensen said they needed math, Asale snorted and pointed out they preferred art, Jensen responded with a snort of his own...

 

Jared jumped in with both feet, “Math? I can do math.”

 

Jensen blinked as if he just realized Jared was there, and Asale crossed her arms pursing her lips and working up to very cross.

 

“You can do math,” Jensen repeated, the words filtering through his drug addled mind, the pain in his chest bruising and breathtaking. He hated that Asale was right, that he was not really up to teaching, that today was not the day to be trying, and Jared was right, figures were his speciality, had been at college, had been at JTech. Eyes widening, he directed the next to Asale and Jared both. “Jared can teach the class,” he said confidently, handing over the papers and leaning against the door.

 

Jared took the papers and clenched his fist round them, looking into Jensen’s tired eyes, the green dull, the creases around them pronounced. Still he had never seen anything so beautiful as this man, and he instinctively reached to touch his face, only stopping when Jensen flinched, muttering something about lying down and then leaving. Just leaving.

 

Jared looked at Asale, Asale looked at Jared, Jared looked at the papers in his hand, first year numeracy, simple stuff, worksheets, a list of names, a register possibly, and a lesson plan of sorts, Asale smiled secretly at the sudden look of concern on the young man’s face as he glanced from her to the papers and then to the children and back again.

 

“OK” he said, “OK.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared leaned back against the one remaining table, twenty three sets of eyes looking up at him expectantly. He coughed and rustled paper, pulling out the list of names, looking at the spellings and drawing a deep breath he began.

 

The first giggle happened at name four when he pronounced Dulani’s name is Dull-annie, by the time he mispronounced Azibo’s name the entire group of children had progressed from giggling to outright snorts of childish laughter. Jared tried to keep a straight face, he really did, but when he got to the last name even he couldn’t hold back a smile. It was a skill he had, to make people laugh, whether by intent or by accident, he had the ability to make a smile happen from nothing, it was always what Jensen picked up on, something Jensen had always admired and whenever Jensen said it Jared was proud of this skill. To use it now with this class of children, strangers to him, mistrustful strangers, it seemed appropriate to deliberately exaggerate the mispronunciations of each name and at least it broke the ice.

 

One child, a girl, Liana he thought, was looking way up at him with such intent that she toppled backwards, and instinctively Jared curled to a sitting position on the floor, bringing his height down to theirs and causing more giggles. He glanced down at the papers again, passing slips of paper to each child, and passing round the box of pencils, each child concentrating on finding just the right pencil for their work. They then looked at him expectantly and he scanned the sheet… starter? What kind of word was that besides the obvious? Starter, some kind of preparation, beginner questions, who wrote this? Did Jensen write this? When did Jensen learn this? Jared blinked as he looked at the ten questions and looked out at the children in front of him, whose ages probably ranged from very small to er... older than very small.

 

“OK,” he started, “1 add 1 equals?”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Without his watch he wasn’t sure how long the lesson lasted, but it reached a natural conclusion when he had Azibo and Dulani jumping the two times table, much to the amusement of the rest of the class, who were singing along with the jumping. Asale hovered at the door, watching the tall man, this Jay-red, sprawled on the dust of the floor, smiling along with the children, clapping the numbers. She watched carefully. He still held himself away from the children and the children still didn’t go near the stranger, but, with the possible exception of Azibo, they were at least relaxed with him.

 

“Lunch.” Asale called and the children scrambled and tussled for the tables, unstacking them and clambering onto chairs. Jared watched them, wandering why they didn’t use the table for the school work and resolving to ask Jensen, if he could actually get Jensen to talk to him.

 

Jensen wasn’t at lunch, nor at dinner, Asale didn’t seem worried, said he had been ill, that he needed sleep, encouraged Jared not to go walking and finding him. So Jared sat in the shade under the same tree he had found Jensen under and thought about stuff, until Asale handed him more paperwork, building plans, project plans, and told him that was what Jensen was working on.

 

When he reached the funding papers, the name Ackles jumped out at him, Mackenzie Ackles, the Ackles foundation, a forged signature, notes, and he wondered if Mac had known she had been corresponding with her brother all this time. It would go some way to explaining how Mac had managed to stay so calm over the last eighteen months, it seemed that the Ackles family were keeping secrets; secrets that Jared was determined to uncover.

 

It was late when Jared saw Jensen again. He looked better, seemed rested, had some colour in his face and Jared watched as he climbed up on a platform that Jared had wondered about earlier in the day. It was odd, this raised level in the middle of nowhere, and he watched curiously as Jensen lay down on the wooden area, one hand behind his head, looking up. He had laid to one side, as if he knew Jared couldn’t help himself, and he said nothing as Jared clambered up to lay next to him with a sigh. Jensen remembered nights at college, on the roof of the dorms, Jared teasing Jensen for his love of the stars, the teasing turning to laughing and then turning to kissing, the memories twisted in his heart and he willed them away as the warmth of Jared in his personal space pulled him back to the present.

 

“The stars huh?” Jared asked softly.

 

“Sirius and Virgo, the Southern Cross, Antares, Jupiter.”

 

Jared reached a hand out to blindly grasp at Jensens finding the touch in the dark as, unerringly accurate as he always was at knowing where Jensen would be.

 

Silently he gripped Jensen’s hand, sighing inwardly as Jensen curled his hand inside Jared’s grip and didn’t pull away.

 

The stars...


	7. Chapter 7

They lay there still, hands tight together and looked up at the clear night sky, their breathing synching, in, out, in, out, and the silence was too precious to break. Jensen felt himself relax back onto the hard wood, and let his memories take him back to a quieter time, Jared and him sharing a dorm room, nights on the roof, trying to concentrate on each constellation. He sensed Jared rolling onto his side, resting on his other elbow their hands locked under the taller man and he closed his eyes to the stars, a single breathless moment before Jared leaned in to kiss. Nothing hard, or deep or searching, just a simple press of soft lips against his and a swift intake of breath into sore lungs as Jensen parted his lips under the pressure.

 

Cautiously his tongue tasted Jared’s closed lips, at the corner, across the seam and with a soft moan low in his throat Jared deepened the kiss. He couldn’t help himself, the invisible thread that connected them pulling tight, pulling over the years they had had together, senses on overload. Jensen wanted to stop, at the back of his mind he wanted to stop, to pull away, he didn’t want Jared, didn’t want this heat. His body betrayed him; his free hand lifting to gently, wonderingly, touch the familiar soft hair, falling in wave and flicks around his fingers as he curled in to feel. It was so known to him, this feeling, the softness, the heat of the kisses, the comfort, the familiarity, and the night sky around them lulled him gently into a place he missed.

 

Jared lifted his lips millimetres to murmur Jensen’s name, tracing a warm path of gentle kisses to Jensen’s throat, words, falling from his lips...

 

I missed you... i love you... why did you go... please come home...

 

The words filtered in through heated love drunk kisses, floating in the air around Jensen, the meaning of them not making sense, i love you... i went because you... I can’t go home... I won’t go home...

 

Abruptly Jensen pushed at Jared, forcing the other man to tumble back with a surprised look on his face, his lips still parted in a parody of their kisses, words on the tip of tongue... what... Jensen what...

 

“I’m not going back with you,” Jensen bit out, “so if that is what you are here for, under all the other bullshit, then you can just leave.” His breathing was sharp, and unconsciously he raised a hand to his chest to push at the ache there. Jared to his credit didn’t push for more, just shuffled back until his back was against the side support, knees drawn up and hands loosely held on them. His eyes said he was sorry, that he had known he was pushing, Jensen could see that, but it did nothing to stop his heart pounding in his chest. God. How easy had it been to slip back into JaredJensen? He lowered his head, wanting to run, but knowing moving at the moment with his breathing erratic and harsh would be stupid.

 

“Your breathing?” Jared said simply, the unspoken ‘tell me’ in his words, concern tight in his features. Jensen just sat still, concentrating on the in and out of his lungs, focusing on the damage and knowing these breathing spasms were more panic than actual lung exhaustion. Jared just sat quietly, not pushing, just waiting for Jensen to speak, curling his arms around his bent knees and resting his head atop them. Minutes passed, and Jared watched as Jensen’s hands turned from panicked claws in his Tshirt to resting on his lap, watched as he moved back to lean against the opposite support to Jared, his long legs straight in front of him, his face sheened with sweat despite the coolness of the evening air. Every nuance, every move... Jared catalogued them, seeing the panic as it gently subsided. It gripped him tight that Jensen was so caught up in his reactions that he couldn’t breathe, that he had to clutch at his chest so tightly. It was like Jared could feel the panic himself, sliding into him, stilling his hands even as they wanted to reach to help.

 

“TB.” Jensen offered at last, “I had TB.” Jared didn’t move, TB, that was something that... old... gone now... he couldn’t have heard right. He frowned expecting Jensen to say something, like, it’s a joke, i didn’t really. But nothing.

 

“TB? Seriously... shit Jensen... did you...” he paused, so many questions, did he go to hospital, how the fuck did he get TB, who the fuck had TB these days, there was a jab wasn’t there? He seemed to remember some kind of Readers Digest article in the doctor’s waiting room when he had gone with Meg, TB all but extinct or something.

 

“I’m OK,” Jensen offered at the questions he could see on Jared’s face, “Asale called a doctor... our doctor... and he got me into hospital, and now I’m out.” Jensen sat back, satisfied that he had answered most of Jared’s unspoken questions in that short glossing over of the emergency jeep ride to the nearest hospital, Jensen bleeding into his mouth, every breath of air fire in his lungs.

 

Jared just nodded; he had so many questions: why didn’t you call me, could this have been stopped... why you? Was it the kids, is anyone else sick? He didn’t ask any of them.

 

They sat in silence, Jensen tilting his head back to look at his stars again, finding comfort in the familiar patterns and the question that Jared asked next wasn’t anything to do with them.

 

“Why are the kids here without their parents?” he said gesturing with one hand to the sleeping area behind them. Jensen looked confused, imagining Jared had known about the smallholding, knew why the kids were here.

 

“It’s an orphanage of sorts,” Jensen began, watching closely for reaction, then immediately realising he was judging his ex lover by standards so high no one could achieve then, why was it important to Jensen that Jared react anyway?

 

“An orphanage... all those kids... no parents?” Jared seemed stunned, “was it like... I mean... war or something?”

 

“Illness.” Jensen replied

 

“TB?” Jared sat up, looked over at Jensen, suddenly very keen to hear every word.

Jared really didn’t know? It seemed inconceivable that Jared hadn’t had the information at his fingertips. “AIDS Jay.” Simple letters, a dread filling Jared in hearing them that belied his Western education.

 

“AIDs, Jen, you can’t be serious.” Jared seemed agitated, “are the kids...” his voice tailed off, he instictively knew he was saying the wrong thing as Jensen moved to stand, pulling on the support to try to stand.

 

“The kids? My kids? Two of them are on long term treatment, the rest are clear, and as long as I remain here that is how it is going to stay.” His words were determined; clear, not to be argued with.

 

Jared scrambled to his feet holding out his hands trying to stop Jensen running, knowing he had hit a nerve. “That’s good,” he started in his defence, “that they are well, that...that...” shit Jensen, why did you stay here where you could get hurt?

 

Jensen smiled softly, he knew Jared too well not to see the questions in his eyes that belied his words of concern about the children, could see Jared was focusing on him.

 

“You can... have...” Jared paused, swallowing, “tests when we get home, it will be OK.” He had an earnest look in his eyes and Jensen shook his head.

 

“I’m not going back to Texas Jared, it isn’t my home,” he gestured at the flat roof buildings and the empty horizon, “this is my home now.”

Jared smiled softly, a smile tinged with sadness but one that Jensen was familiar with. It was the same self satified smile that Jared used when he was closing a deal, confident and brash.

 

Jensen felt his stomach fall. “Nothing is ever going to change with you Jared is it? You see you take, you don’t understand so you try to convince. I am not going back to Dallas.”

 

“Jen, that isn’t fair, I can change. So you say that you won’t come back to Dallas, then we buy a place in the middle of a ranch, just you and me. Jensen, you know what kind of person I can be, don’t give up on us.”

 

Jensen considered his reply carefully, knowing what he wanted to say but not sure how to get there. “Jared, how can I make you see... for a long time you were someone... someone special, someone I could love, a person I knew, but... now... it’s like I didn’t know you anymore Jared.”

 

“I’m me...”Jared said in bewildered reply, unable to form a complete sentence.

 

“No, not the Jared I knew, the one in college who hugged and loved and laughed and made me feel like I mattered. That Jared didn’t seal deals with affairs, or steal ideas, or commit crime.”

 

“I never had an affair.” Jared snapped back instantly, “Not once did I ever cheat on you, on us.”

 

“Jared, the Morgan deal, I saw you kissing her, and you’re telling me that you swung a seven million tech exchange on the strength of a kiss, a kiss so hot it almost burnt me from ten feet?”

 

“That is as far as it ever went, I used myself, I did, i know that, but she knew the game too, wanted to see how far she could push me... but Jensen, I promise you, you have to believe me, I would never do that to you, would never have betrayed you...” he stopped. His voice was unsteady, his eyes narrowed as he watched Jensen struggle to stand, “Jensen do you believe that I couldn’t cheat on you? Do you believe me?”

 

Jensen hesitated, then resumed his stiff backed climb down the two steps to solid ground, cursing the aches in his muscles. “No,” was all he said, and then he walked away, disappearing into the main hut area, swallowed by shifting shadows.

 

He reached his room, pausing to make sure all the netting was secure around the kids and then shut the door behind him. As he eased down onto his own bed something pushed him to reach underneath and pull out a small box..all that he had left from his former life.. dusty… untouched for so long. Three pictures. One of his family, one of Jared alone posing and laughing, and one of them together at college, both drunk on life and the possibilities it offered. He placed them carefully on his bed pulling out the final item in the box. The watch Jared had bought him for his 24th birthday, so many years back now. Thoughtfully he turned it over in his hands, even in the semi darkness he knew what the engraving inside said, one simple word that had summed them up perfectly, forever.

 

++++++++++

 

Three days later things hadn’t improved. Jensen still refused to leave and was growing stronger each day, Jared refusing to leave and growing more at home each day. Jensen was careful not to get himself into a position where jared could kiss him again... he just couldn’t let that happen it felt too real.

 

It was hard for Jensen to take his eyes off of Jared at the moment, sitting in the shade of the tree and watching his ex lover bare to the waist digging at the foundations for the new school. He had shown commitment to the long days, as his skin turned from Texas bronze to a hazel so deep it could almost be painted, his long hair tied back with a strip of leather, his muscles bunching and relaxing with each dig of the spade. It was long laborious work; work that Jensen had challenged him with, work that took him from breakfast to lunch and then from dinner to bed, resting in the shade against the noon sun. He was making good headway, and Jensen itched to be working with him, cursing that he had time to think as he watched sweat track down dusty skin, disappearing into the denim of his, now cut-off, jeans, that same denim riding low on angular hips. Jared had had trainers, personal trainers, a home gym, an office gym, Jensen knew the muscles were the result of fine tuning and specific targeted exercise. Still, watching him here he could see the barely coiled tension in each muscle group as his ex lover worked.

 

He tried to lose himself in thought. What did happen on Jared’s frequent trips away? Was it just Jensen’s overactive imagination that had fed images of hot sex in anonymous hotel rooms exchanging JTech contracts for sex? Why had he been so quick to distrust his boyfriend? Probably the kisses he witnessed, when wine and the heady aphrodisiac of money got involved, Jared could lose his head, and the kisses Jensen saw... they were like the kisses shared in college, unrestrained passion and joy.

 

That was what had scared him the most. That Jared found physical release in a woman, a woman... that was the ultimate betrayal in Jensen’s eyes. Not the stolen software, or the lies Jared would tell to cover his own back, but the physical contact that Jared needed as much as he needed success.

 

He watched as Jared stopped, wiping his face with his discarded Tshirt, this one the ubiquitous, ‘my mom went to Malawi and all I got was this lousy Tshirt’, and swallowed long and strong from the water pump in the shade. Water overflowed his mouth and spilled over his chin and chest. He paused, collecting water in a metal bowl and tipping it over his head, allowing it to flow steady about him before shaking his long hair from bright eyes, and turning back to his work. Jensen couldn’t take his eyes off of him, never let it be said Jared didn’t know how to play a crowd.

 

Jensen remembered tasting every inch of that gorgeous body, from hair to hair he had kissed and bitten and tasted, wringing orgasms so sweet they were painful from his exhausted lover, as he took him to the edge again and again. There was never any doubt they were made for each other in the bedroom, quality of sex had never been the issue, quantity maybe, quality no. Where Jared was tall, Jensen, still tall, slotted against him perfectly, where Jared was hard and angular muscles Jensen had been muscled but somehow softer in build, and where Jared was hard heat and impatience Jensen was licking and touching and driving his lover mad. Jensen loved to release control, Jared loved taking control, Jensen would tease, pull him back, push him forward, the dance was always perfection.

 

Jensen tensed as Jared looked directly at him. “You OK Jensen?” he asked concerned, and Jensen pulled himself back to his project work, building a grants application for a clinic extension to the living area. He really needed to concentrate.

 

“Yeah,” he said simply, hard as hell and losing my head, but other than that fine.

 

Jared turned away, a smirk on his face, yep, he still had it...


	8. Chapter 8

Before you start to read this there is a couple of things I just wanted to say. Firstly, I am sorry this has taken so long to post, this has been the longest gap I have ever had between chapters and I know I have let you all down because you are used to me posting almost daily. 

 

Secondly, Hay1ock and I have been subjected to a lot of crap this week from idiots who think it is funny to laugh at stuff they don't understand. These people remain in my opinion, the lowest of the low, and to cap it all apparently they check my fics out every so often to justify their opinion that in general J2 writers, or rather the SPN fandom is 'crap'. Nice...and erm... guys... why bother?

 

Anway, I haven't done what my first instinct was to do, take it all down, and i dont want to say anymore on the subject. To those people that have extended their support to me and to Hay1ock I send love and hugs. Thanks.

 

And... so to the fic...

 

xx

 

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

It was Dulani that pulled Jared away from the foundations, chattering excitedly, only pausing to allow him to grab at some water before pulling and levering him to the shade of the tree. Dulani was agitated and some of his English forced its way into his speech as broken and panicked he threw words: the General, and Bandits. At that word Jared frowned, his eyes tracking Dulani’s flailing arms, pushing the small boy behind him and peering into the ice white brightness of the African sun. He saw Jensen standing with a man, two others alongside him, guns in their arms, standing casual but watchful. Shielding his eyes and encouraging Dulani to stay back in the shade and out of sight, Jared pulled himself tall and stalked direct to stand next to Jensen.

 

As he drew closer he saw Jensen’s shoulders tight, arms crossed on his chest, a posture of defiance, one he hadn’t seen before. It looked odd on his lover, this stiff anger that bristled about him. He wasn’t sure what was going on, but the guns and Jensen’s posture was enough to send a frisson of fear down Jared’s spine and pushed him to stand alert and ready between Jensen and the guns. Jensen cast him a quick look as Jared moved into his space, a flash of resentment in his eyes, a tightening of his lip the only indication of the coiled anger Jared could see inside Jensen.

 

The man in front of Jensen continued to talk, after casting a semi critical eye over Jared and dismissing his appearance as not important. “… the school might be vital in your eyes, but all we see is - ”

 

“And I say again,” Jensen interrupted his voice brooking no discussion, “there will be no diversion of funds from the centre.”

 

A few words were exchanged in the language that Jared was starting to recognise a few words of. But this conversation, he couldn’t understand, couldn’t understand any of it, it was an exchange that was heated and sharp and it left Jensen even paler and more tight lipped… if that was possible. The armed men moved their weapons subtly, just a small suggestion of movement and Jensen cast a quick look their way seeing dogged determination in their eyes. They weren't much older than children and they were here for one thing and one thing only. Protecting this other man. They relaxed slightly at a glance from the man who was obviously in charge, this man Dulani called General, his dark skin shiny with sweat and his lips curled in a sneer. Jared didn’t like this one bit, neither he nor Jensen were armed and all Jensen seemed to be doing in his litany of angry words was making things worse. The General cut off Jensen’s words with a sudden move towards him, and Jared reacted with instinct, his hand touching Jensen’s arm, his other hand in a fist at his side. He looked directly into the General’s eyes, seeing the edge of madness in a face twisted and furious, and in his mind he envisioned what he would do, which guard he would try and take out first. Suddenly, at a single clipped word from the General and in a flurry of action the three men left, their jeep kicking up a lung full of dried red dirt, the gears grinding and shaking as the vehicle left the community.

 

Jared didn’t say anything at first; what was there to say, besides the obvious ‘what the fuck?’ Jensen stood for a short time, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides, a nerve twitching in his jaw, his face tense and angry.

 

“Jensen?” Finally, one word, and Jared was horrified to see the temper, the fire in Jensen’s eyes as he swung to face the taller man. He watched as Jensen opened his mouth to say something, and waited expectantly, agitation building inside him, instead Jensen shut his mouth and walked away. Simply left Jared standing. “Wait, they had guns. Jensen,” he called, but Jensen kept walking, walking away from the huts and into the shaded trees, his gait clipped and certain, a few words to Dulani as he passed and the small boy ran off to the huts. Jared bit his lip, it was obvious that Jensen didn’t want to talk.

 

Which was why he followed him. Finding him standing at the far end by the foundations for the new school, his arms folded, his head bowed, deep in thought.

 

“Jen… guns,” Jared started helplessly. Guns weren’t rare in this neck of the woods, he knew, but guns near Jensen, near the kids…

 

“Go away Jared,” Jensen replied, his voice rough with emotion, closing his eyes and nodding his head slightly.

 

“Not going anywhere.” Jared insisted, crossing his own arms in defiance, he wanted to know what the hell was going on.

 

“Jared, please, I just need some time on my own.” There was no pleading in his defiant tone; it was a soft calm voice that was brooking no argument.

 

“You need to explain why men with guns were shouting shit at you, about the school, money.”

 

“I don’t Jared. I don’t need to explain anything to you.” At this Jensen opened his eyes, green eyes focused directly at Jared, stubborn determination in the set of his face.

 

“Jensen we aren’t going to get far in reconciling if you wont tell me what is going on in your life.” Jared was at a loss to know what else to say, but was lulled into a false sense of security as Jensen smiled. Not a smile he recognised. Not a smile of happiness, a smile of love, but a crooked smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

 

“Reconciling. You have got to be joking.” He finally said, disbelief in his voice, “There isn’t going to be any reconciliation, I don’t want you, I don’t want your life.”

 

Jared stood as the knife cut deep into him, his next words almost to himself as anger warred with instant heated reaction. “Then what the fuck am I doing here?” He asked, his shocked voice sounding harsh even to himself.

 

“I don’t know,” Jensen responded carelessly, still staring through him, now with a carefully blank expression on his face, “you tell me.”

 

Jared didn’t know what to say, he was completely lost for words. He wished he had an answer. He wanted Jensen back. Back where he belonged, back in their house with its pristine white and its careful clutter, back in his bed, just… back. Wasn’t that obvious? Didn’t Jensen realise that was where this visit of Jared’s had been leading, the sole reason... to get him home, did he think Jared was digging trenches for his health? Anger built in Jared’s spine, this was not his Jensen, looking him in the eye and talking to him so casually.

 

“Tell me what is going on here?” Jared finally asked, this time injecting his own brand of Padalecki stubbornness into his voice.

 

Jensen sighed almost irritably, knowing that voice, knowing he wouldn’t get away with brushing Jared off. “Government interference in funding, local stuff, nothing I cant handle”

 

Jared raised his hands, gesturing back at the community, not sure what to say, not sure how to phrase the questions. Finally he just spluttered out all he could come up with, helpless and just a tiny bit scared. “They had guns Jensen”

 

“Everyone has guns Jared,” and with a shrug he dismissed the comment as if him being in close proximity to some private army armed to the teeth was nothing to worry about. Temper started to build in Jared. How could Jensen be here, putting himself in danger, this was past stupid and way into insane.

 

“I don’t like you being here,” he finally stated, curling his hands into his long hair, frustration visible in every part of him.

 

“Your opinion doesn’t really matter to me.”

 

“Jensen it isn’t safe, I can’t understand why you would do this, why stay here.” Suddenly Jared was on a roll. “Why would you put yourself in danger, did you go? Why did you leave? We weren’t that unhappy.”

 

Anger and passion and disappointment flowed from Jared in words of frustration, but Jensen just shrugged again and simply said, “that was a lot to say,” sarcasm colouring the comment scarlet.

 

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking patronise me Jensen, you were the one who left with one damn note and nothing else. I deserved more than two lines of a reason Jensen.” He reached out and grabbed at Jensen’s arm, torn between shaking him and pushing him to the dirt.

 

Jensen blinked steadily, looking at Jared’s hand curled tight around his arm. With deliberate movement he pulled his arm from the hold and took a step back. “Deserve more? No you didn’t deserve more. I had had it with you, with us, your deals, your affairs, with Amethyst.” There. He had said the words, the reasoning bright and clear in him.

 

Jared took a step closer, his hand hovering a millimetre from Jensen’s arm, fingers curling tight into a fist. “I already told you Jensen, I never cheated on you, not once. And you damn well know that it was my deals that got JTech where it is now, it is that cash that is building your damn school, funding your work here.”

 

Jensen could only focus on one thing, “you say you never cheated, and I’ll give you, that maybe physically you didn’t go the whole way… maybe I accept that, but all those hours you were away, those days, those weekends… you cheated us of time.”

 

“I was working for us.”

 

“For JTech, not for us.”

 

“Damn it Jensen, I said I was sorry.” Jared was adamant that Jensen should see this. He had said sorry, and he meant it.

 

“No… actually you haven’t said you were sorry. You have demanded I go home, assumed I would follow. Now you damn well tell me when you actually said sorry, when you actually meant sorry, and what the hell makes you think I should go back to your home Jared.”

 

“Our home Jen, our home.”

 

“Not any more, my home is here, where I can-”

 

“This is stupid, out of control, you don’t belong here.”

 

“And what? I belong with you? Is that what you are saying? In our gilded cage, with our money and our lives and our routines?”

 

“Jensen, no… it wasn’t all about routine, we had each other…” Jared was clutching at straws, “… and we had a new project, we had Amethyst…” he added almost triumphantly.

 

“Amethyst,” Jensen repeated, rolling the vowels and consonants of the single word in his mouth with distaste, spitting out the single word with venom in his voice.

 

Jared frowned, “Amethyst was good for JTech, I don’t understand your hate of it, it was good technology, environmentally sound, the deal I did-”

 

Finally it was all too much for Jensen to hold inside, “Amethyst, you stupid son of a bitch, you didn’t need to deal, it was already ours. I made Amethyst, I created it from nothing, shit… as a surprise for you… something we could create and work on together… a last chance… and you stole it from yourself.”

 

“I don’t - ”

 

“You don’t understand, is that what you were going to say? One month Jared, I gave you one month to tell me the truth, and I dug. I dug so deep, and whilst you had never actually crossed the line of the law, you were in shades of grey Jared. You sourced software, technology, and you finally did it you stupid…” Jensen took in a deep breath, “…you acquired the next big thing alright, from my work, from the work I did. Then you had the front to think I didn’t know what you were doing and you presented it to me… and shit Jared…”

 

Jared stood, mouth open, horror in his eyes at what Jensen had just said, “I didn’t know… Jensen…” he was pleading, he could hear it in his voice.

 

“You were in your own damn world,” Jensen added, “you always were, you always will be.”

 

“Jen, please, shit… I didn’t know… I’m different, I’ve changed since then.”

 

Jensen snorted his disbelief, “and what caused that miraculous turnaround?”

 

“Please-”

 

“Words Jared, all just words, you lied to me, you stole from me, from us, you destroyed my trust in you, tell me how I can get my head round that?”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

When the sun finally left the sky and the stars were sprinkled every which way, haphazard in the darkness, it was Jared that lay on the raised decking. A jacket under his head, his hand clasped together on his stomach and his legs bent at the knees. After their shouting match Jensen had disappeared off to the huts, Jared hadn’t followed, standing for a long time in the shade, watching dust whirl around his feet, trying to take in this new Jensen, this Jensen that would never be coming home, that called him a liar, distrusted him.

 

And what exactly was it that Jared expected? He knew they had drifted apart, had found their own bits of JTech, and at the end of the day he was in bed when Jensen was already asleep, asleep himself when Jensen woke. He couldn’t actually remember the last time they had lay together in the bed awake, let alone making love.

 

He sighed, trying to remember the constellations that Jensen knew so well, the groups of sister stars that had become known for their shapes, but without Jensen here, without his pointing finger and his soft voice describing the sisters, Jared was lost.

 

Amethyst had been their technology already, something that Jensen had created, had built, why hadn’t Jared seen that, why hadn’t he even known what Jensen was working on? He had acquired it just like he had acquired other tech, other ideas, in this nebulous grey tinged world of his where owning the latest thing, the best thing was what coloured him as successful.

 

It was all too much to take in, what he had done, just how JensenJared had become so fractured so… separate and he lifted his hands to cover his eyes from the gaze of the endless sky, tears he didn’t know he had, there trickling down the side of his face.

 

He had fucked this up big time. And for what? Money? He didn’t want money, there wasn’t the vicious want / need / have pull that made him need money. He wanted to look after Jensen, provide a good home for them, wanted to make sure Jensen would be OK. Just like his father had done with his family. His father. So intent on providing a good home, a solid business, so horrified at the thought that his gay son stood to inherit that he changed his will… was Jared becoming his father? Could it be as simple as that? Could it be that what drove him to achieve wasn’t actually his own needs, or those of his partner, his lover, but were actually just a desire to prove he could be his father, that he could succeed in the same way.

 

If that was it. If it was that simple…

 

Then he didn’t need to prove he loved Jensen, or make him come home at all, or strip away his phones and his money to prove intent.

 

He needed to show Jensen that he could be a different man, a stronger man. A man with his own identity, his own scruples, his own vision.

 

He just didn’t know where to start.


	9. Chapter 9

When Jared walked into the main hut the next morning, stiff and sore from sitting so long outside, it was to find Jensen sitting at his normal spot, Azibo reading aloud from a book and Jensen using his index finger to point at words. Jared paused for a while, unseen by anyone, hovering outside the door in the early morning sunlight and just looking. He had been here, by his reckoning, just short of a week, and in that week he had seen more colour in Jensen’s face, Asale’s food, what weird stuff she gave them all, was starting to fill his features out and he knew he was on a mix of drugs that was helping his recovery. He still looked beautiful in Jared’s eyes, even ill and thin and tired, his eyes, so green, so intent on looking at the words Azibo was forming that he was nodding his head at each word spoken. He was tapping out the rhythm of the sentence with his free hand, the other curled protectively around the small child’s back as he perched precariously on the side of Jensen’s chair.

 

This open easy affection in Jensen wasn’t something new. Jared remembered it from college, from when they first lived together, a casual easy touch of support whenever Jared needed it, sensing when Jared needed it. He missed that touch, had even shied away from that touch when he didn’t think it was appropriate, he hadn’t wanted his business defined by his sexuality, had told Jensen to hold off with the touching… he had remembered saying that to him, as clear as day as he catalogued his failing relationship last night, could even visualise the hurt in clear green eyes when he said it. Shaking his head to clear the memories he stepped into the room fully, skirting round the children and grabbing the waiting coffee and his breakfast, before crossing to stand in front of Jensen blocking his light. Jensen looked up and then scooted Azibo off of the chair with a promise to continue reading in a while, sitting upright in his seat and pulling his coffee closer.

 

“You don’t need to find me for permission, you can just go.” Jensen started almost defensively, and for a moment Jared was thrown, permission to leave, he wasn’t here to ask for permission.

 

“I’m…” he hesitated, “I’m not leaving Jensen.” He was surprised that Jensen thought he would be leaving, surprised that Jensen thought he would give up so easily, but at he same time knowing that is exactly what Jensen would expect. All Jensen did was frown at him, his face twisted in not understanding what Jared was saying. “I’m not going Jen.” Definite. Absolute. The decision.

 

Jensen still looked confused, he had told Jared what he thought, had told him his heart was never going to be fixed from this, why the hell was he standing here, what was going on, what did he want from him? He watched as Jared folded six four of muscle into the small chair opposite him, sliding and squeezing under the table with his coffee cradled in his hands, watching as he settled himself and looked at Jensen expectantly. He waited for him to talk, the noise of the children fading around him as he focused on Jared’s lips, on his serious expression, on the hazel eyes that were so serious and so intent at looking at Jensen.

 

“Talk to me,” Jared began, sipping at the dark fragrant coffee in his mug and sighing back into his chair, “tell me about the kids and the clinic and the AIDs and this General. All of it Jensen, all of it.” He looked so sincere, like he actually wanted to hear about the clinic and the kids, actually wanted to know about the AIDs and the meds and the strain. Jensen didn’t know where to start, merely blinked and tried to keep from looking alternately shocked and horrified. He had a respite as Azibo dropped off some more coffee with a stubborn and supportive smile on his young face, and then it was just the two of them.

 

“About what?” Jensen asked softly, not sure quite what he was asking, there was probably some hidden agenda here from his ex, he just couldn’t see it at the moment. Maybe if he just played the game, whatever it was, Jared would reveal his reasons in full.

 

“About the clinic, tell me about that, and the kids and the AIDs and the meds.”

 

“I don’t know where to start,” Jensen said softly, waiting for Jared to say, OK, never mind, and walking away. He didn’t.

 

“Start from the beginning Jen, how did you… when you were… in Dallas… how did you find out about this clinic?” That question threw Jensen, he wasn’t expecting that, he was expecting why’s and what ifs not ‘tell me’s’

 

“I did some research,” he started softly, pausing for a moment to swallow some dark coffee, wondering where to start, and then sighing loudly. “I wanted something else, gave a lot of my money away to charity, you know that,” he paused again, waiting for Jared to agree. Jared had know about Jensen and his charities, knew it mean to a lot to Jensen. “I was involved in Doctors Without Borders, not just giving money, but doing some project work, and that led me to knowing about the work they did with the Peace Corps.”

 

Jared nodded, it all made sense, he had know that Jensen was more involved in charities than he would ever be, had always admired him for that. “What made you…”

 

“Made me come here? I don’t know. I guess it came across my desk at the same time that everything hit the fan, it was the ideal thing to bury myself in, then… to move here and be part of this, and I knew people…” he couldn’t finish the sentence, and all he could feel the relief in Jensen when he didn’t press for more about the how’s and whys of his disappearance.

 

“So tell me about the kids Jensen.” Jared asked, waving a hand to indicate the kids around him as they chattered and bickered around him.

 

“They… you know they are all orphans, all parents gone through AIDs related illness, it has decimated the local area, moms dying so very young, leaving babies… leaving them with extended families, if they are lucky, but these kids, there weren’t families that wanted them, not really. I mean, here, the communities are so close… kids are taken in… but poverty… choices have to be made and these kids are the ones who lost out. The clinic offers support to local people… once a month the doctor… he comes here with meds and advice and in between that they have this place they can come too…”

 

“Why haven’t I seen them?” Jared asked curiously, frowning as Jensen smiled softly.

 

“You scare them… a stranger… it took months before they trusted me,” Jared blushed, realising his presence here was causing problems. “And they will come, next week, we have the clinic, you’ll see them, and the kids… the kids they are here because they were left here, and it is their home, and I have helped Azale in setting up education for them, life skills, as much as I can.”

 

“OK. And the meds, I guess two of the children, you said two, they have HIV, they need the same kind of cocktail that… you know… like in the US… yeah?” Jared wanted straight answers and Jensen nodded, both of the children affected were on their own cocktails, both funded directly from DWF and the Ackles foundation. “Are they OK?” Jared knew that was a stupid question, but he hoped Jensen knew what he meant by that.

 

Jensen smiled softly, looking over at the children starting to move the tables ready for school and he stood, “they’re good,” he said and picked up his now empty cup. Jared stopped him, placing a hand on his arm.

 

”I have more questions Jensen, and I will ask them,” he said this with a smile, sliding out of his chair and exchanging a few words with Azale as he sauntered out of the large hut, Jensen could swear he was whistling.

 

This was so not the Jared that Jensen had been expecting this morning and he felt kind of floored by it. What Jensen had said yesterday, it had been fairly final, go home Jared, I don’t want you and I am not coming home, surely Jared would have heard that and understood what Jensen was saying?

 

He didn’t have time to think as the children began lining up cross-legged on the floor, looking up at him expectantly, and carefully he sat down in front of them, pausing as they all shuffled to sit closer.

 

“OK guys, let’s talk about rain.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“Where is Jared going?” Jensen asked Azibo as he moved to stand next to her watching the trail of dust that followed Jared. It had been four days since their morning conversation and Jared hadn’t asked any more questions. Well not to him anyway. Jensen had spotted him chatting to some of the children, using expansive signing when language became a barrier, and also to Asale, who refused to tell Jensen what they spoke of. Which is fairly much what they had done today. Asale and Jared had been talking in the shade, the school plans in his hand, his hands waving theatrically, Asale nodding with an indulgent look on her face, and now she was quite obviously not sharing with a confused Jensen as she simply shrugged and walked back to the huts, her tartan skirt swinging from her ample hips.

 

Jensen sighed, shielding his eyes with cupped hands and staring thoughtfully at the leaving jeep, which was so going in the opposite direction to where Jared's version of civilisation was, instead heading in the direction of the bustling township of Zwabulu. Jensen knew it was a somewhat middle of nowhere drive that would be at least an hour round trip, if indeed that was where Jared was headed, and he guessed that he would have to wait for his return to find out the full reason for the trip.

 

It felt odd to Jensen that he hadn’t immediately thought Jared was running home. Somehow in the last three days Jared had kind of slipped in, slotted perfectly into their little community. The children were following him when he was digging and moving earth, Asale commented on his work, and even smiled at him, twice that Jensen saw. It was unsettling. Jared had a way with people, he was confident, a salesman, smooth, he always had been the charismatic one, and a familiar insecurity started to prickle at the base of Jensen’s neck. That same feeling that had started to push him into the shadows at home, letting Jared take over, letting Jared control. He didn’t for one minute understand what the fuck Jared was playing at, but the resentment had started to build and he was unable to push it down. The lives of these people… it wasn’t a competition that Jared had to win, the normal cut and thrust of business, these were hearts here, Asale and the kids, not pawns to force Jensen home.

 

By day five Jensen had reached a limit he didn’t realise he had. When Jared had returned from Zwabulu he had bought back some of the materials that were due to have been delivered in a few months. Jensen had delayed the delivery from his hospital bed, knowing it would simply sit waiting, ripe for thieving. Jared was cheerfully picking his way through the jumble and tangle of bricks and wire still with the damn whistling. The limit Jensen reached wasn’t because Jared was his normal cheerful self, it wasn’t anything to do with the fact that when he worked in the shade he took off his T and wore his now cut off jeans low on sharp hips. It wasn’t even because the children took it in turns to bring him water and he chatted with each one as if he really wanted too. It was all of these things and more, it was a glimpse of the Jared he had fallen in love with at college and it was unnerving… unsettling. He walked over to the building area, plans laid out flat and held down with large stones, Jared crouched by them, his skin hazel, stroked by the unceasing African sun, threading blonde highlights in his auburn touched hair. He looked thoughtful, his bottom lip caught in his teeth, and his hand tapping on the plans, a frown on his face. Heat travelled through Jensen, and it wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling as whatever their problems were, there had been this attraction, this need to touch.

 

Jared looked up as he sensed Jensen beside him, and his frown morphed into a beaming smile. “Hey Jen,” he said simply, gradually standing, shielding his eyes and tilting his head to one side, a look of question on his face. Jensen imagined that his own face mirrored that same emotion.

 

“Jared what are you doing here?” he finally asked.

 

“I’m ready to start the footings and I was just checking the plan,” Jared replied still with the smile.

 

“I didn’t mean with the plans and the school,” Jensen was very clear in what he meant, became irritated when Jared just shrugged, like he didn’t know what Jensen was getting at. He simply crossed his arms across his wide chest and waited. “I mean, why are you still here, what the hell is going on? What kind of game are you playing?”

 

“It isn’t a game Jensen. I’m working on the school, I’m here helping you, getting my head round it all.”

 

”Are you trying to impress me Jared, cos this…” he waved a hand at the piles of supplies, “…this isn’t impressing me… it is seriously screwing with my head, so if that is what you were aiming for, then you have managed it.”

 

Jared sighed, uncrossing his arms and stepping closer into the other man’s space, so close Jensen could feel the heat from Jared’s body, feel the tension snapping between them. “Jensen, all I am doing is trying to show you I have staying power, that I can create rather than destroy, that you could maybe see me as a honest man.” He paused… another sigh… then he placed heated hands onto Jensen’s shoulders, resting gently at the juncture of neck and clavicle, Jensen didn’t flinch, the touch familiar. “I don’t just have to prove this to you Jen, I need to prove it to myself as well. I know what I did… what I have done… was wrong. I’m not asking for, or expecting, forgiveness for what I did, I just want to start again.”

 

He leaned forward and Jensen stood his ground, Jared’s lips a mere breath from his. The feelings inside him confused, the affection, the love, the lust building inside him until only uncertainty remained. Jared leaned in the rest of the way, a soft brush of his lips, and then he stood back, turning and resuming his perusal of the plans.

 

Jensen didn’t say a word, just walked back to his room, suddenly feeling unaccountably tired and slumping back on his mattress. He couldn’t get his head round what was happening. The decision he had made, to sever his life from Jared’s and from JTech, that singular determination to start again… it seemed so far away.

 

He turned onto his side, facing the wall and closing his eyes touching his lips with hesitant fingers. This Jared he didn’t know. They really needed to talk.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The sky was velvet black, the stars locked in their dance, and Jensen’s eyes flicked from one to another, feeling a curious sense of peace in their unchanging reoccurring patterns, as he thought back over the day.

 

He felt the deck move slightly as Jared climbed to lay next to him, listening to him sigh before settling. They lay still, their breathing synchronising without conscious thought and Jared sought Jensen’s hand. This time it wasn’t a shock to feel the touch. This time, when Jensen curled his fingers into Jared’s it was because he chose too, not because it was what was normal.

 

Now it was Jensen’s turn to ask questions.

 

“Talk to me Jared.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Across the plain, the General stood, his usual guard flanking him. The papers in the front of him.

 

A list.

 

He idly tapped at the top of the list, knowing the schedule, knowing the doctor would be there with the drugs for the people that limped and stuttered to the small community, all desperate for what they needed.

 

It made sense to time this… incursion… with the delivery of the drugs. To deal with the American with the green eyes and the pale skin, the thorn in his side, the one who was in the way of what he wanted.

 

Casually he leaned back against the table.

 

“Two days,” he said firmly, “we move in two days.”


	10. Chapter 10

Across the plain and into the city he stood exactly where Jared had left him some two weeks before, unable to countenance leaving, nervous at the elections, the general unrest, the corruption that seemed to be out of reach in the areas around the city. So much was out of sight and out of mind of the city itself, too far away, for people to care, for the time and money to go out there and do good. Milawi was a proud country, it’s people worked hard and long, pulled democracy, voted, wanted so much for their children. Yet as he stood here, still in the suite that Jared had booked, living on nerves and worry, Steve looked down at the paths below, at the children begging, at the market traders forced to move by hotel security, and not for the first time he cursed the very day he let Jared Padalecki wonder off by himself to find Jensen.

 

“I’m staying there” Jared had said, his voice confident, betraying no hint of worry or concern as he walked past his cell phone, ignoring Steve’s reminder, “I’m not taking it” was all he had said, leaving with a smile and walking tall. Now Steve was waiting. Waiting for the intelligence he needed to decide what to do next. He knew something about the General, made it his mission to learn about the area, the structures and chains of command in the various groups who battled for control in the area Jensen was in. The General had quite a hold on that area, protection money, drugs, it was a microcosm of the Dallas that Steve was used too, and self labelled General or not, the man had enough firepower to cause trouble for Jensen and his boss. Thinking of Jared just made the knot in his stomach tighter, bloody idiot, leaping out into the middle of freaking nowhere, no sight of him, no communication, how was Steve supposed to -

 

His cell indicated an incoming call and he flipped the case thumbing to answer it, listening intently and nodding his head.

 

“How many?” He asked, placing the phone between ear and shoulder reaching to the small of his back and pulling out his gun, still asking urgent and soft questions, he released and checked for the bullets, satisfied he was happy and ending the call with a sharp, thank you. Jared didn’t know it, but trouble was coming for that little community and the only one who could get in the way of it was Steve, Jared needed to be extracted and he needed it soon. Time to call for backup.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jensen wasn’t deliberately looking for Jared. Not really. He knew Jared had gone out to the perimeter of the community, muttering something under his breath about checking stuff. What stuff, Jensen had no idea, but he was intrigued enough to go for a walk himself to maybe see, by accident, what the man was up too.

 

When he came across Jared he was just standing, looking out over the flats, the night a cloak of darkness around him, his hands pushed into jean pockets and his shoulders hunched. He looked a picture of thought, deep in thought, and Jensen hesitated to interrupt so he simply watched for a good ten minutes, his breathing slowing as he leaned back on the nearest tree and breathed in the cool night air.

 

“I can hear you breathing Ackles,” Jared said quietly, his voice laced with a smile. Jared had always been able to sense when Jensen was there, uncannily in tune with the shorter man’s movements. Jensen smiled in the dark, pushing himself upright and walking the few steps to take him next to Jared.

 

“What is it you are doing Jay?” he asked just as quietly, “standing out here moping at the horizon.”

 

“Thinkin’”

 

“Thinkin what?”

 

“Stuff.” Jared finally said, which Jensen thought was a little too wide a description to be of any use. Jared obviously just needed time to think this stuff, and Jensen started to leave, stopped by Jared darting out a hand and reaching Jensen’s arm to halt his steps.

 

“Jared?” Jensen asked tentatively, something was on the man’s mind, Jensen could only guess it had something to do with home, with JTech, with his life.

 

“Can you help me Jensen?” He finally said, turning his head and focusing his eyes intently on Jensen’s, his face a mask of confusion and looking so freaking vulnerable.

 

“With what Jay?”

 

“What do I need to do? Do I need to give it all away, JTech, the money, set up a foundation myself, make amends somehow that way?” Bewilderment laced his voice, and it clutched at Jensen’s heart, those simple words, Jared equating everything in the haves and have nots of money and possessions.

 

“Make amends to who? To the people you took the tech from?”

 

“I can try with that, I mean I don’t know where to start, but I could give back patents and… I only did it…” Jared curled both hands in his long hair in frustration at what was inside him. Jensen took a step closer, reaching up and untangling the hands pulling them down to clasp them tight in his own, holding them still as Jared tried to tug them away.

 

“Why Jared, why did you do it, can you tell me?” Jensen was insistent, now, standing here in the dark, they could exchange secrets and reasons, now was a good time to talk. Jared sighed, tried tugging his hands away one last time, then curling his fingers into Jensens when the shorter man wouldn’t let go.

 

“I wish I had a convenient answer,” he started, “I have done nothing but think about this, and I suppose…” another sigh, his eyes dropping for a second, then lifting more focused as he spoke, “money firstly, I guess. Then wanting to build something for us, for you, needing the very latest thing, the cutting edge stuff, being successful.”

 

“OK, I can understand that.” Jensen prompted, waiting for more. Jared’s eyes were suspiciously bright in the moonlight, his lips pressed tight together. Silence.

 

“You say you understand that, I wish I did, I never meant to… I didn’t think… Jensen… I didn’t mean to hurt you, or chase you away, I loved you, I wanted to be with you, I don’t know how I can say sorry?”

 

“You’ve said sorry Jared, you don’t need to keep saying it - ” irritation laced Jensen’s voice, he had heard sorry said a lot, and Jared nodded quickly.

 

“Because it becomes meaningless yeah, I know, but I don’t know what else to say, I’m gonna go home, when the school is finished and draw a line, give it all away if I have too - ”

 

“Jared!” Jensen interrupted the freak out sternly, abruptly, watching as his ex lover wound himself up into a flurry of emotion. Jared stopped. “How many people do JTech employ?” Jared frowned in confusion, wondering where that question was going to lead.

 

“Six thousand, and a maybe coupla hundred extra on top of that,” Jared responded finally, Jensen nodded.

 

“Dallas, San Antonio, you take away JTech, those people that depend on you, on your company on the paycheck that- ”

 

“Our company Jen, it’s our company”

 

“You take away that," Jensen continued patiently, "you give the slightest hint to your competitors that you are losing it, then jobs will go, you know that, whatever you do Jared, it has to be slow, I left, you covered me, rode the wave, you survived. We both lose it and people will suffer.”

 

“So, what are you saying? That there is no going back, no trying to undo the things I did, see the consequences of my actions reversed in any way?” In a sudden movement Jared pulled his hands free, stumbling back two steps, and Jensen’s temper turned on a dime.

 

“Jared for god’s sake, grow a freakin’ pair, you made mistakes, you learn from them, you move forward, then you don’t make the same mistakes again. Stop with the self pity parties.” With that Jensen turned on his heel back past the trees and towards the main complex of huts. In seconds Jared was there, stumbling into him and pushing him against the tree, his body heavy and hard against Jensens, the breath leaving Jensen's still aching lungs in a rush.

 

Jared's face twisted, “doesn’t mean I get you back, does it, no amount of redemption means I get you back.” He was digging into Jensen’s arms, leaning into him, hopelessness flashing in his eyes, pushing him harder back, wanting to shake understanding into him, the fine line between passion and fear taut between them.

 

Jensen relaxed his back, slumped slightly, anything to take the pressure of his aching ribs. “You’re hurting me.” He said, his words clipped and hard, all Jared could do was lean in harder, using a hand to hold Jensen’s face. They stopped, inches apart, anger and fear and trust mixing and sparking in the dark.

 

“This might be the last time I get to do this.” Jared said suddenly, holding Jensen’s chin and dropping his lips to capture Jensen’s in a bruising heated kiss, a battle of wills and for domination. Jensen tried to breath, the familiar panic of lack of oxygen cutting through the heat of lust, even as Jared pushed his groin hard against Jensen’s and growled low and inflexible in his throat. Using the last of his strength he pushed back at the taller man, causing Jared to stumble and flail back onto the floor.

 

“Fuck you Jared.” Jensen rasped, his hands at his throat, gasping in air from the night around him, panic rising as his breathing caught and reset. Jared just stayed where he was, anguish in every muscle, and apologies on his lips, Jensen wouldn’t listen, starting to stumble back to the main area, tears blinding him.

 

“I had too, Jensen, I had too.” Jared called out after his retreating lover, his own tears thick in his throat.

 

Jensen didn’t stop, nothing was going to make him stop, but he heard Jared’s final words, shouted at his back as he reached the door for the sleep area, his hand flat on the soft matting covers, “what else can I do?”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The meds had arrived along with the Doctor, and the forty or so adults and children that swelled the number in the compound. Jared just watched, his face drawn and pale from lack of sleep, Jensen not much better. They had trodden on eggshells this morning, Jensen occupied with the extra mouths to feed, the AIDs education sessions he was running, the meds, the doctors. Jared was occupied with watching Jensen and the children.

 

It was this fact that led to the complete absence of immediate response when the General and his lackeys, two jeeps, seven men in all, arrived at the open gate, guns in hand and menace about them like a cloud. Jared heard screams that seemed separate from the normal kids shouting and tilted his head uncertainly at the noise, he looked across at Jensen, deep in discussion with a clearly very pregnant woman and several generations of that same family. Sighing he pushed himself to stand, rounding the area where the new school was being built and stopping dead. Asale laying prone on the grass, unmoving, four of the children standing by her, Azibo and Dulani with sticks in their hands, two small girls sobbing and wailing, and guns trained on the whole scene. It all happened so fast, screams back from where Jensen was causing Jared to pause and half turn, and then sudden chaos. A gun firing, screaming, running, and Jared did the only thing that seemed right, sprinting the short distance to the terrified kids and putting his body between them and the guns. Blindly he reached behind him, pushing the kids into a smaller group, looking helplessly down at an unconscious Asale. He said nothing, stairing back at the armed men steadily, recognising one from the General’s visit, and began to move backwards slowly, towards the new school, the trees, if he could just get the kids there, they could maybe… run.

 

“Stop. On your knees… hands behind your head.” The man he recognised ordered, gesturing with the gun, Jared knew if he did that it would leave the kids vulnerable, he shook his head, wincing as a bullet dug into the dirt at his feet, dust and debris forced high in the air, “knees.” The man said again, shouting the order, moving in closer, only six foot away. Still Jared didn’t budge from his purpose, moving steadily back, feeling the shade start to cool the air around him knowing that the kids would at least have some chance. He stopped, willing Azibo to keep moving, hearing small feet move away from him and smiling inwardly.

“Knees.” The man repeated one last time, the gun in his hand firmly pointing at Jared’s head.

 

Jared shook that same head, in defiance, in the small hope that it gave the kids more time, and when the gun was lowered to aim at his heart, Jared just felt an incredible calm flow into him. Perhaps this was the way to atone. The bullet entered high in his chest, a scream, a shout, snapping from his throat as the force of it pushed him back to stare up at the blue sky, so like the blue of the Texas Summer. It faded to black as the fire of pain spilled into every nerve ending, and finally he let go.


	11. Chapter 11

Steve had one last word of instruction to the small team. He knew insertion would be difficult, it didn’t take a genius to see there was very little cover around the complex, and it wasn’t as if this General entered the area covertly. The people inside the first gate just slowly moved to one side as he rolled in with his small group of heavily armed guards. No one called out, no one warned the staff inside, tired sad eyes raised to the guns as the self proclaimed leader moved into the complex with another nine around him, some little older than teenagers. Steve watched, from his vantage point, knowing three of his own team were already in there, and falling back on his army training from his younger years, hoping he could handle this.

 

“Remember, we stay back unless they show their hand. No dying today.” He emphasised into his mic, gesturing for the rest of his team to move forward, every single one of them on Jared’s payroll now, determined to end this today. The briefing that Steve had received was stark and brutal; the General killed. He didn’t hesitate to take life, he had been responsible for killings from adults to kids, all for money, for power in the area and he had targeted Jensen, or Joe as he was known locally, and the drugs that everyone knew would be arriving today.

 

Observation from some of his local contacts meant that Steve was happy the General didn’t actually know who Jared was, and for that Steve was grateful. The General knowing that the tech millionaire was in his grasp would certainly make the situation a lot harder. Breathing deeply he watched as the last of the two jeeps pulled into the complex and the final soldier disembarked, the General preening behind a shield of firepower. Finally Steve gave the order for his men outside the compound to separate and round each side steadying his grip on his rifle and focusing his thoughts on one thing. Get Jared out.

 

He rounded the last corner to the main area; saw a man he recognised as Jensen standing with a group of children, a man with his arms protectively around a pregnant woman in front of him. He saw a member of his own team move closer, as they had agreed, taking care of that issue, several of the usurpers taken down by well aims hits, half of the General’s team down in seconds. He couldn’t see Jared. Where was he? He squinted into the sun, looking out to locate Jared, finding him watching Jensen and then turning with a puzzled look on his face. Steve tried to focus on what made Jared turn and was moving forward, under the cover of the shade of the first hut, his eyes darting from one space to another, following Jared as he walked the few steps out into the brilliant sunshine towards the back of the compound. He knew some of his men would be that side, prayed that they had control, and behind him he ignored muffled shouts, his own men taking over. Jared was his objective in this... but what he saw, what he couldn’t take in, was Jared suddenly sprinting away from him, his impossibly long legs taking him out of view momentarily until Steve became accustomed to the sunlight and stood horrified.

 

A man, shouting for Jared to get down, Jared using his own body to shield two kids, no four kids, walking backwards towards the tree line, ignoring the calls to get down on his knees, to put his hands behind his back, reaching the edge of the shade, the clearly terrified kids scampering away to the trees.

 

Weighing it up he stayed still, his gun hard and heavy in his hands, pointing at the head of the man with the gun on Jared, the one shouting the orders, in seconds Jared had moved back, away, from the child with the gun in his hands. Why didn’t Jared just get to his knees, why the hell was he standing there, his hands to his side open and palms upwards. One of his men had moved round to flank the gun wielding boy, something in the gunman’s stance spoke of shoot first ask questions later, and Steve thumbed back the safety, dropping his aim to arm level, eager to take the guy out before he could shoot Jared. Hoping against hope that the rest of his team had their focus on the gunman’s wingmen. He steadied his breathing…

 

The bullet left his gun at the same time as the other bullet entered Jared high in the chest, almost instantaneous; it was too late for Jared. Steve was screaming into his mic even as he ran the distance to where Jared now lay, blood around him, on him, bleeding from him and his eyes wide and staring at the sky.

 

“Medic, we need the medic here now”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It was over in seconds, some jostling, screaming, shouting and the sound of gunfire, Jensen didn’t know where to turn, saw men, scrambling and running towards him, stopped by bullets as in horror he watched women and children pushed to one side.

 

“We’re clear,” the nearest man informed into a mic, standing in front of Jensen. Shocked, Jensen just looked around at the group of subdued men on their knees in the dirt, guns trained on them. He blinked in to the sun, the flashes and bits of information filtering into him and a single thought there at the front of his mind. The rest of the kids, Asale… Jared.

 

He started to move, back to where he knew Jared would be, the school, the kids... but the man with the gun laid a restraining hand on his arm, “sir,” he said strongly. Jensen shrugged off the touch his determination clear, and he started to stumble jog into the shade of the buildings and back out into the bright sun.

 

Men on their knees. Guns. No noise. A group huddled around someone laying on the floor, Jensen, his chest tight with fear drew closer, hearing counting, mumbled words, one, two, three, four… he moved close enough to see, to know who was on the ground, bleeding out on the hard African soil. Jared.

 

Wordlessly he sunk to his knees, fear tightening inside him, tears grouping and pushing in his eyes, small hands, Azibo, clutching at his neck. Jared. Jared.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

The movement around Jared was certain but frenzied, Jensen knew it was useless, they were a hundred miles from the nearest hospital and there was so much blood, there was nothing they could do. He couldn’t understand, couldn’t comprehend the grief that was inside him, how can this be happening, how can Jared….

 

He gently pushed Azibo to one side. If he had to say goodbye… he needed to touch… just one last touch… I’m sorry Jared… I should have listened.

 

Words flew around his head as he crawled next to his lover, the earth hard under his fingers, the dark red blood mixing and churning at his touch.

 

Why didn’t he move, just go down on his knees like they asked?

 

He was trying to get the kids back and then…

 

What? What happened?

 

He just stopped… Jesus, where is the medic?

 

A medic? “We have a medic?” Jensen looked at the man crouched the other side of Jared, the one helping Jared’s heart to work, breathing air into lungs… one, two, three, four… the man just nodded, not taking his eyes off of the breathing, pushing blood away, placing his hands hard onto Jared’s chest, roughly forcing the ripped Tshirt bunched up against the hole pumping blood, trying to stop the bleeding.

 

Jensen reached to touch, smoothing tangled chestnut hair away from Jared’s white face, tracing features lax in unconsciousness, and Jensen stayed, talking nonsense, pleading, wanting Jared to stay with him, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was waiting for, I thought we had more time…

 

He stayed when the medic arrived from a mile out, he stayed as they stabilised the bleeding, he stayed when they stretchered Jared to the truck.

 

They helped Asale stand, she hadn’t needed treatment, refused to leave the kids, and Steve, this Steve that Jensen didn’t know, he seemed to have a connection to Jared, he was staying here, doing the clean up, settling the mess.

 

Jensen went. He sat as close to Jared as was humanely possible, praying to god so damned hard his head ached, and as the truck moved out, as he tried to stop the tears, he sent one last prayer to the heavens…

 

Please let me be able to say goodbye.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

It wasn’t a hospital as such. It was a medical centre. Kind of a half way house, with nurses and doctors and fairly sanitary conditions. It was enough to save Jared’s life, this small place in the middle of nowhere, behind fences and security, an army outpost that Jensen didn’t even know had existed.

 

He sat for two hours, outside a plain green wooden door, counting the scratches, people coming and going, offering tepid water and reassuring smiles. He cursed them all, knowing they could see Jared, could open that door and walk in, where he couldn’t. That is what he wanted to do, to see Jared, touch Jared, talk to Jared.

 

He stood, frustration skittering up his spine as he paced, Steve had told him to go, told him that he would stay with Asale, but all that work… A year of making people trust him enough to visit the monthly clinic, to get the advice, to see the kids, and it was gone. Gone in a second at the end of a gun. Did it have something to do with Jared, this violence? He slumped into the only chair, wooden and twisted and pushed back against the metal walls, his head in his hands, regret was sick in him, stupidity, disappointment, sadness, he didn’t know where to start… which emotion to deal with first.

 

The door opened and Jensen craned his neck to peer into the darker room, wanting to just see, not realising at first that the person who had left the room was now standing looking down at him. Scrambling awkwardly to stand he gripped at the arm of the man who stood there solid and real.

 

“Is he OK?” he said quickly, assuming this was the doctor, someone who knew, fear sharpening his words, the other man, in army fatigues, nodding, speaking to him, words, go in, see, unconscious, we have hopes he will be fine…

 

“I can see him?” Jensen’s finally said, his voice quiet, wondering, and his face creased in a frown, a sudden fear of what was behind the door. The doctor said nothing, confusion, then sudden understanding in his eyes as he held up the man who was here for the patient, supporting him, feeling the shaking in his limbs.

 

Gently he encouraged Jensen to sit back down on the chair, to go in and see the patient he had just operated on now would be all kinds of stupid. This tired guy with the green eyes… he needed to calm down and stay still until the threat of passing out or being sick passed.

 

“You OK son?” the doctor finally said, feeling the shaking ease, and smiling gently, reassuringly.

 

Jensen nodded, taking in deep breaths, closing his eyes, relief that Jared was going to be OK, fighting with the guilt of what he now needed to face. He allowed himself to be scared, allowed the fear of repercussions of the decisions he had made to wash over him, decided he would just take whatever derision Jared threw at him. He promised he would understand when Jared turned round and withheld his affection, the same as Jensen had been doing in all of Jared’s time at the compound. Promised himself he wouldn’t beg for the same chances he had denied Jared.

 

The doctor pushed open the door, the silence of the room welcoming to Jensen’s thoughts, the bed with the unconscious form of his lover pushed in one corner. Slowly Jensen crossed the room, tight white sheets covering Jared to his waist, his chest and left upper arm bandaged.

 

”It was a penetrating chest trauma, a through shot,” the doctor began, “it missed his vital organs, but there was quite a lot of internal bleeding, as well as what you saw externally.” Jensen closed his eyes to the white of the sheets, trying to clear his head of Jared bleeding into the soil, “we’ve done what we can, pumping him full of everything we’ve got, we need to get him transported to a hospital for more tests, but I think we are past the worst.”

 

Jensen listened to the words, his hands unconsciously gripping the white sheet, looking down at the pale skin, the small mole on Jared’s face, the lashes, long and dark on his cheeks, his mobile mouth still and bloodless.

 

“How long…” Jensen started, not really sure what he was asking.

 

“Two hours tops for medivac,” the doctor reassured Jensen, “and about the same for him to come back round. Though I need to warn you that when he does come back, he’ll be out of it for a while. Just be prepared, he’s on some pretty heavy drugs.” Jensen nodded, he would have to wait a while to talk to Jared, to ask him for answers… why didn’t he go with the kids, why didn’t he drop to the floor…?

 

Again, it was all Jensen could do to nod wordlessly, loosening his grip on the sheets and holding out his hand. The doctor nodded and took his hand in a strong grip, feeling the tension in the younger man that was so clearly on the edge here. “I’ll leave you here son, bring you some water and a chair… you gonna be OK?” he asked Jensen carefully.

 

Jensen indicated yes with a gruff voice and turned back to Jared. Yeah, he’d be OK now…

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

He didn’t have his watch, counted the hours by the sun in the sky, lost in the semi dark of the sterile room. He passed the time by talking. Wondering if Jared could hear.

 

I didn’t mean to run, not really, I just loved you too much, I didn’t want what we had destroyed by hate, by anger, this way, me leaving, it was clean, it was finished

 

Why did you come Jared, why couldn’t you just leave me alone?

 

Why didn’t you just walk back with the kids. For gods sake Jared were you looking to get shot?

 

I’m sorry Jared, I’m sorry, when you wake up I’m gonna say sorry, sorry for not staying and talking, for running.

 

You bloody idiot, you could have just gone home, you’d be safe there.

 

Jared… please…

 

Please … I want you to wake up, so you can say sorry...

 

...and I can say it’s OK


	12. Chapter 12

Jensen sipped at the water, his head churning with what ifs and whys, his free hand clutching at Jared, looking up as people entered and checked, men and women in fatigues, names emblazoned in canvas on their chests. They seemed to be some American, English, French and not for the first time he wondered what they were doing here, this strange place in the middle of nowhere, wondered if it was something to do with Doctors without Borders. He didn’t ask. Talking to people took up time in his head for praying for Jared to wake up.

 

The deals he made in his head, wake up and I promise we will talk, just wake up and be OK.

 

“His vitals are good,” the last nurse had said, the one who handed him the bottle of water, her eyes filled with compassion, “the doctor told you it went well, there was minimal internal damage, a few weeks rest and he should be good as new.” Jensen had nodded, taken the water gratefully, no words came to hand and he just turned back to his vigil of watching Jared breathe. When Jared finally moved, his limbs twitching, his eyes flickering like he was in REM sleep, it was enough to force Jensen to his feet, looking for a nurse a doctor, anyone, but still not letting go of Jared’s hand.

 

“Hey,” he finally said as Jared’s eyes opened and he saw Jared blinked trying to focus on the blurry shapes around him, finally the hazel looking right at Jensen, tears pooling in the corners, almost immediately closing his lids again. His breathing settling into a rhythm that told Jensen he was asleep. The doctor was back in a bit later, checking the chart, smiling at Jensen in that generic way that doctors did,

 

We understand, we know what you are going through…

 

Like hell they did, this was Jared there, struggling to come back, crying in half consciousness, and it was Jensen that had put him there, Jensen who had refused to give quarter, who had decided that they were better off apart. Stupid. Bloody stupid.

 

“He tried to wake up,” Jensen offered, I saw his eyes, I saw the tears… why doesn’t he just open his eyes and that is it, awake, conscious, so we can talk.

 

“OK. Can I get you anything?” Jensen looked away from Jared to focus on the doctor’s face briefly, frowning up at him... get him anything, what did he mean? Carefully he shook his head, no, I don’t need anything except for the man I love to wake up. The doctor nodded at the wordless reply, and left, the door closing behind him, the click of the catch echoing in the empty room, and so the vigil continued.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Jared was lost in a sleep so deep he couldn’t even find his way to dreams. He sensed people touching him, it felt wrong, surreal, the room around him empty and stark, the ceiling a blur. He realised he was alive, that he hadn’t died, and every part of him was fighting to the surface, he had this overwhelming need to talk to Jensen, to just try one last time. What he had done so far, it hadn't been enough, and the grief inside of him pushed tears into his eyes as he tried to open them, the white around him overwhelming, painful. He tried to see, wanted to see Jensen there, but all he could make out were indistinct shapes, a word, hey, soft, but who said it, he couldn’t grab hold of it, trying to breathe, pain acute in his chest as he inhaled. Self preservation made him shut his eyes, the soft edges of the drugs pulling him into sleep, as he tried to remember the one thing he needed to do. Find Jensen. I’m sorry.

 

Seconds passed in his head, seconds of pain and discordant sound in his ears, that same voice, talking, nonsense, words that made no sense to him. Nothing made sense to him as he tested his extremities, curling his toes into cool cotton, flexing his fingers, one hand difficult to move, caught, trapped, twisted. He pulled. Ineffectively he tried to release his hand, relieved that it moved, concerned that it was caught again. Irritation pushed him to open his eyes, annoyance frowning across his face, and he blinked back at the light as it flooded his senses, burning into his retinas, just as quickly he closed them.

 

“Jared, Jared… open your eyes.”

 

The same voice, familiar as Texas sunshine, smooth, rolling the vowels, elongating the name, until it pushed past the pain and he gripped hard to the demand. Open my damn eyes..

 

“Jared?” Shhhhh, shhhh, no more talking, just give me a minute and shhhhhhhh.

 

“Jay, come on Jared, come on back to me man.” Jensen, Jensen’s voice, ouch, he didn’t seem too pissed.

 

OK, OK, I’m trying, I’m opening them, can you just stop the light, cos it really hurts, Jensen, I’m trying to open them… just stop the light, stop the… “Light.”

 

Jensen leaned over Jared, effectively shading the sick man’s eyes from the overwhelming white of the room. Jared opened his eyes slowly, his pupils shrinking, but at least he was able to keep them open this time.

 

“Hey” Jensen said softly, dropping a soft kiss on Jared’s forehead, pulling back and looking intently at Jared, reaching behind to pull forward the water and the straw he had been left, helping Jared to swallow a small amount of the cool fluid.

 

“Hey,” Jared finally managed, looking up at Jensen, and trying to smile.

 

Jensen shook his head, “no smiling, no talking, can you listen?” Jared blinked steadily, hoping against hope he wasn’t in for a lecture or shit, cos, hey, getting shot, that had gotta count for needing some peace. “Before you go back under Jay, OK, I just wanna say one thing, I love you. So do me a favour, start getting better so we can freakin' talk properly. Without my shit… yeah?” All Jared could focus on was I love you, and when sleep pulled at him again, it did so with the promise of all the dreams he could manage.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

One day later

 

“So I wanna talk now.” Jared started irritably; pulling away from the fussing that Jensen was doing with his pillow.

 

”When you can get out of bed we will do it, when you can focus and we can get it right.” Jensen pointed out patiently, nearly squeaking as Jared forced himself up on one elbow and started to move his legs. “What are you doing Jared?”

 

“Getting out of bed so we can talk.”

 

“OK. OK. Lay the fuck down. Jeez Jay, you don’t need to take everything literally, alls I meant was that - ”

 

“That I wasn’t up to listening to you blow me out again.” Jared interrupted, his voice rough and scratchy. Jensen shook his head, is that what Jared thought, shit, how much more could he screw up.

 

Irritable and cross with himself he helped Jared to lay back down. ”Jared, you couldn’t be further from the truth… when you were shot… god… I saw them working on you, that Steve guy, trying to get you to breathe… and that blood, and it was like, the end. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before… why I didn’t see the reasons for running.”

 

”Jensen, are we gonna be OK? Just tell me that?” That was all that was important to him

 

“I wish I had an easy answer. All that shit back in Texas, all the lying and the crap, and our relationship disintegrating around our ears, it was so hard to see any good in it. I wasn’t ready to give you another chance to drag me down, to make me so goddamn unhappy that I couldn’t see another way out. But now, it’s like, I had the rest of our lives to hold on to the resentment and the anger, so there was no need to actually look at it.” Jensen stopped talking, running his free hand through his hair and scrubbing at his tired face stubble

 

“The rest of our lives…” Jared sounded so sad, the end of his life had been so close.

 

”What if we only had a day Jay, just one day left, would I sit here and resent you, and not listen to you? Would I waste the chance to love you?” Jensen shifted forward in his chair, the earnest look of the converted on his face, his eyes bright despite the pale exhausted face.

 

“I wouldn’t waste one day.” Jared answered, “never again, not one hour”

 

“Me neither, OK… I don’t want to waste one minute. I don’t know how we get past the stuff we’ve done, your actions, me running, me hiding, but if we keep talking… if we’re honest about all this… then maybe we can make something new out of it all?” Jensen ended the sentence on a question, wondering if he had maybe, just maybe, pushed Jared away too far, too hard, and that it was going to be impossible to find any kind of middle ground.

 

“Yeah… yeah I want that. Jen?” Jensen was focusing on what Jared said, the relief sliding over him like cool water on a hot day, and he missed the quiet question in his name on the end. Just bowed his head to Jared’s chest and sighed deeply. “Jensen?” Jared repeated insistently.

 

Jensen lifted his head, “yeah?”

 

“Whilst we are trying to get back there, trying to see if we can get some kind of…” Jared stopped and sighed, closing his eyes briefly before opening them, emotions in them like Jensen hadn’t seen before. “Jensen, can I tell you I love you?” Jensen didn’t realise he had been holding his breath, only seeing he had when he released the air with a whoosh, a smile carving into his tired face.

 

“That, Mr Padalecki, would be very cool.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

One week later.

 

“I swear if you don’t get me out of here, I will take myself out on my own”

 

“Jared, we are like miles from the nearest people”

 

“Well, I’ll steal a jeep”

 

”Jared”

 

”I mean it Jensen”

 

“I’ll talk to them”

 

“I’ll pay, I mean it, I’ll pay someone off”

 

”Jared, money is not going to get you released early”

 

”Fine. I’ll just… I’ll…”

 

“Two more days… just two more days

 

"I hate you"

 

"No, you don't"

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Two days later

 

Despite being careful, the jeep seemed to find every bump, every crack in the dry earth, and by the time the city limits came in view Jared had semi lost consciousness and Jensen’s muscles screamed from trying to support Jared’s weight against the side of the jeep.

 

Jared had been released on the promise of booking into the main hospital in the city, he had promised, Jensen had double promised, so here they were, booking Jared into a ward, where the word private meant a curtain that pulled round the bed. Still, if they wriggled enough Jensen could climb on to the bed next to six four of Jared, and they would lay, just talking softly, rediscovering old loves and similarities. Crying over lost times and choices made that dealt such a weird turn of events.

 

“Why didn’t you kneel Jared, why did you defy them?”

 

”I wanted to give the kids a chance to run, if I stood, it took the focus off the kids…”

 

“Did I… did you want to die? Was that me? Did I make you want to give up?”

 

Silence.

 

“Maybe”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Three days later

 

The hotel room was as Jared had left it. Apart from Steve’s stuff and all of his own bags spread in one corner, little had changed. The air con still hummed, the fan still spun, the corners were still at ninety degrees and the soft bed still curved deliciously to each curve of a tired body. Still it wasn’t right. Jared was antsy. It didn’t feel the same, the luxury, the exact perfection that formed the walls around him. He was stood at the window looking out... his thoughts extending past the city and to the spaces beyond, where children and families died and disease stole lives so young.

 

Jensen came up behind him, curling hands around his waist and meeting them on his flat stomach, gently tracing circles. Jensen wasn’t happy in this room. He was going home to the community he had just left. Jared knew that. Just as he knew he himself had to go home to Texas, to see to JTech, to keep people in jobs, to finish things. Neither had said that, but they knew. As they kissed and hugged and talked they knew. It coloured their time together, knowing they had adult decisions to make when all they wanted to do was disappear together to relearn each other.

 

“It changed me.” Jared offered softly, “coming here, Asale, Azibo, Dulani, the community, the school… it changed me.”

 

“It’s a good thing.” Jensen answered, encouraging Jared to turn away from the window, to turn in his arms, moving hands up to cup his face, no stubble, nothing, just acres of smooth skin, and long hair brushing the cat tilted hazel eyes. He gently raised the few inches and kissed Jared… nothing more than a soft touch… a promise. “It’s a good thing Jared.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

One day later

 

The jet stood silent on the side of the runway, unmarked apart from the two Js that stood as the JTech logo. Gleaming white and powerful in the African sun it stood as the very symbol of what Jared had tried for and what had caused him to fail so spectacularly. He was staring from the shade of the hanger, his eyes behind sunglasses, Jensen to one side talking softly to Steve who was smiling and nodding at whatever Jensen was saying. They had come a long way since the bullet tried to end his life. They were talking. And more importantly Jared was listening, he knew he was listening, and he knew this separation was for the best.

 

They had talked so much. Come home for a while… home is here… come back to Texas for a while… no Jared, no… I’ll come back to you, come back for you…

 

Tears and words so filled with passion and need, kisses so deep so prolonged, trying to reconnect, but still they hadn’t made love. It’s not right, Jared had said, so much has happened, we’ll find our way back there.

 

The pilot crossed to Jared and it threw him out of his daydream as Jensen joined them. The two men listened to the weather and the ETA and the whole list of important stuff that was probably something they really should be listening to. The pilot left them, happy he had done his job, and climbed on board, the engines starting and Steve saying a final goodbye, climbing the steps, only hesitating momentarily, looking back at his boss and the man he had grown to call friend. They stood entwined, the taller man… head bent close to Jensen, hands twisted as if they couldn’t bear to part. He felt wrong to watch and forced himself inside to buckle up and wait.

 

Outside Jared was whispering nonsense into Jensen’s ear, causing Jensen to laugh. This was the Jared that Jensen had fallen in love with. They kissed, gentle and searching and reluctantly, finally, Jared pulled away and they parted, hands still gripped.

 

“Three months” Jared said, reaching into his carry on and pulling out a shiny silver phone, Jensen looked down, a satellite phone. “Every night Jen, I want you to sit on the platform and look up at the stars and I want to talk to you. Every night. Promise?”

 

Jensen pocketed the phone, he could give Jared this one thing. “Three months,” he said releasing his hold on Jared’s hand and stepping back, watching as Jared walked the few steps to the plane. Jared climbed the few stairs without hesitation, they had said their goodbyes, and he really didn’t want Jensen to see him crying.

 

The door closed behind him, and Jensen watched as the plane taxied to the main runway, graceful and slow in its movements. He watched until it was no more than a speck in the sky. Three months. Ninety two days.

 

Climbing in the jeep he pulled out the phone, flipping it open. Only one number was programmed. Jared. Smiling he closed the lid and placed it back in his pocket, starting the engine and pointing the jeep back to the community.

 

The children would be waiting…


	13. Chapter 13

One day later…

 

Jensen laid back on the platform, the phone in his hand, the darkness isolating him from the children, from Asale, from the quiet concerned hum of chatter that had surrounded him at dinner. He was alone now. Very alone.

 

Thoughtfully he turned the small phone over, tracing the entwined Js with his finger, the silver glinting in the moonlight, and he smiled softly. It had been him that had created the logo, doodling in the first meeting with the bank, a taller J and a smaller J linked with a small circle of silver, stylised and simple. This was a JTech phone, technology that they had produced somewhere is Texas, in one of their tech areas. He wondered if it had been their idea, or had it been technology that Jared had acquired somehow? He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind. Today was supposed to be the first day of achieving understanding between them, not to pull and snag at things in the past. Still it niggled, hid away in the corner of his thoughts, and as he hit the key for Jared, it was the first thing he thought to say.

 

“Hey,” Jared’s voice was excited, happy…

 

“Jared is this phone technology ours, or did you steal it?” Jensen blurted out, the words tumbling and falling from him without thought.

 

Silence, and then an awkward clearing of his throat later… “No, it’s ours, out of the SA office, it’s the mark seven, we developed it.” Jared finally offered, his voice subdued, quiet even. Silence again, Jensen inwardly cursing that their fragile peace had been driven apart in one sentence.

 

“Jared, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.”

 

”No. We said we’d be honest, and if that wasn’t an honest answer to your question then I don’t know what is. I wont lie to you Jen, if you want to know something just ask, just tell me, I wont have any secrets from you.” His voice sounded stronger as he spoke and his words carried the weight of conviction.

 

“I trust you Jared, I trust that this is gonna be all out honesty from now on,” he paused, “thank you for answering the question.” There was so much unspoken between them, this trust thing was so delicate, Jensen had to trust Jared to tell the truth, to be an honest man, and Jared had to trust that Jensen wouldn’t run, literally or figuratively. Either way it was a hard journey they needed to take to find normal.

 

“Can I ask you a question now?” Jared finally asked into the empty air between them.

 

Jensen hesitated only briefly, “yeah, go ahead.”

 

“Tell me the constellations you see there.”

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day four

 

The charger was lit green from the portable generator, the satellite phone sitting next to Jensen’s bed. He wasn’t feeling so good tonight, his chest tight with coughing, Asale mothering him and forcing him to rest, the children trooping in one by one to say goodnight, until only Azibo stood by his bed, looking at the blinking green light in fascination. It was technology that Azibo couldn’t really understand and he desperately wanted to touch it, but Asale had warned him that Jensen was mending his heart with Jared and that the phone was the way they were doing it.

 

Intrigued he climbed up to cuddle into Mr Jensen, as he was now called by all of the kids and Asale as well. He loved cuddles with Mr Jensen, they usually involved talking and stories and rough play, but tonight though his older friend just looked very tired and sad.

 

The phone started to ring and Jensen reached around him to answer the phone, a soft smile on his face.

 

Thoughtfully Azibo leaned over and dropped a small kiss on Mr Jensen’s chest, hoping it would help his heart to mend faster.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day Twenty Seven

 

“I had the meeting with the lawyers today, a good one, I’ve set up a trust to mirror your one.”

 

“You have?” Jensen was curious, and his immediate reaction of surprise knocked Jared back a bit.

 

“Yeah, I mean let’s be honest, I don’t need the money” Jared said, embarrassment in his voice. No more was said.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day forty three

 

I miss you so freaking much, this is stupid

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day fifty nine

 

“We’ve had an offer for the San Antonio Office.” Jared announced as soon as Jensen answered the phone.

 

“Who from?”

 

”Mitchener”

 

“I like Mitchener”

 

“Yeah, his team have suggested all kinds of provisos, keeping the staff, taking over the patents, it’s our biggest office Jen, three thousand plus, the manufacturing side, the whole enchilada.”

 

“Are you selling?”

 

”I don’t know, are we?”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day Seventy Seven

 

“We’re up to the roof now.” Jensen added, following on from a heated debate about whether the school would remain standing given Jared had dug and filled the foundations.

 

“Jeez…” Jared’s voice was wistful. Jensen still wasn’t sure if he was wistful for missing Jensen or for the school and the kids, just assumed it was a mixture of both.

 

That was the night it happened.

 

“Your voice sounds echoing, are you not in the bedroom?” Jensen asked halfway through their normal chat, an innocent question, always imagining Jared laid back on the California Queen that had been their bed for so many years. There was a pause before Jared cleared his throat, a note of embarrassment in his voice.

 

“I…erm… cant talk to you and lay on the bed at the same time,” he blurted out suddenly, Jensen didn’t get it immediately, asked an innocent why?

 

“I can’t lay there, it reminds me of you, and your voice, is so freaking… just there… and i…” he stopped, how the hell was he going to explain this one? Jensen heard the restrained heat in his lovers voice, just his words, so low and frustrated was enough to send desire skittering down his spine. Jensen had to know, had to see if Jared was thinking the same things in their conversations in the dark.

 

“Do you ever think about us, together?” He started, stretching his legs out in front of him, his free hand laying gently on his stomach, the stars a canopy of pattern above him. “Do you ever wish you could be here, to touch and taste and feel?”

 

Jared groaned on the line, a small pause, “every fucking night Jen, every night I want to be with you, to touch you, to kiss you, to make love, just to be with you…” his voice tailed off with what sounded suspiciously like a sob, and Jensen jumped in.

 

“Jared, I didn’t mean to - ”

 

“God, I miss you so much Jensen, I don’t know how much longer I can wait here without losing my mind.” Jared interrupted, heat, like ribbons, curling in his voice. “I get of the phone, and I lose all the shit, the lawyers and the decisions, and the trying to stay away, and it is just me. I hold myself, touch myself, and I try not too, but I cant help it, and these images of you, under me, around me, your mouth, Jensen, your fucking eyes, and I lose it, I come with your name on my lips… and shit… I can’t hold on to this much longer”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day Seventy Eight

 

“I do the same thing Jared.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day Seventy Nine

 

The quality of their talking changed after the heated confessions - became less Jared and Jensen and more JaredJensen. They still exchanged news, Jared was so close to signing papers on the San Antonio sale, just leaving the Dallas office, which he had set up as a joint office with the Trust, Mac and Chris in situe, a management team built up from people Jared trusted.

 

He had this big idea. Fifty percent of his time in Africa with Jensen, the remainder with JTech, or maybe eighty percent with Jensen, he was still ironing out the flaws.

 

Now wasn’t the time to discuss splitting Jared in two; now was the time to mend hearts and build solid foundations.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day Eighty Six

 

…and then, then, I am gonna hold you down, so you cant move, and I swear I will make you scream…

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day Eighty Eight

 

“Jared? What’s wrong babe, why so quiet?” part of Jensen was worried. Worried that Jared was changing his mind, a small part, but big enough to scare him.

 

“I signed the papers today.” Jared started, and Jensen nodded, before realising Jared couldn’t see.

 

“OK?” He asked helpfully, wondering if that was enough to get Jared to talk. Signing over JTech… their company… Jared’s company… Jensen couldn’t comprehend what Jared was going through, but Jared was quiet and that was never a good sign.

 

“I love you Jensen.” Jared finally said, his voice subdued, a question in the words, please love me back…

 

“I love you too Jared, I’m counting down the hours.”

 

“I don’t know what to do here.” Jared added so quietly Jensen had to strain to hear.

 

”What? Do what Jay?”

 

“I feel lost here, in this house, without you. You never wanted this house, I know you didn’t, it isn’t ours, it never has been,” he paused, Jensen could almost hear his mind working, “I’ve decided, I’m listing the house.”

 

“Selling the house?” Jared was right, Jensen hadn’t really loved the house, with it’s walls and its security, was only ever really happy in the gardens, laying back on the grass and looking to the heavens.

 

“Is that OK with you?” Jared sounded almost anxious. It was all Jensen could do not to cheer, he hated the mausoleum, the ice coloured walls, the cold glass.

 

“Jay, it’s your house, I signed it to you, I don’t have a say… but… yeah, I think it’s a good thing, a very good thing.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Day Ninety …

 

Jensen had said he would stay in the hotel room for the night; so they could talk away from the children, properly talk, in privacy. So that was why, with Jared having landed, and being only moments away, Jensen was now pacing a path into the wooden floor, his thoughts in turmoil, a knot of anxiety in his stomach. They had shared so much over the past three months; talked, decided, agreed, disagreed, loved, laughed…

 

The door handle moved and Jensen stiffened, his eyes focused on the door, and he watched, stared, as Jared opened the door and slipped inside pushing the door shut behind him. He looked good, rested, well, dressed casually in jeans and a white shirt. He stood still, his face calm, his eyes wide and focused on Jensen.

 

For Jared… what he saw… Jensen looked good; he had filled out, didn’t look ill… just looked solid and real.

 

They moved at the same time. Meeting in the middle of the room, just pulling in for a hug, hands frantic to hold and touch, saying nothing. They stood for a long time, exchanging a few words, hey, I love you, I missed you… until the small kisses turned deeper, more desperate and focused in their need.

 

It had been so long.

 

It was Jared that led, Jared that pushed Jensen back on the bed, pausing momentarily to look down at him, his hands still, resting either side of his face, staring into green eyes.

 

Jensen arched his neck, chasing for a kiss, his own hands gripping and twisting in Jared’s hair, finally claiming a heated exchange of lips and tongue, sloppy, no finess, distracted, as Jared pulled at Jensen’s Tshirt and whimpered at the tight grip in his hair.

 

So much skin… I’ve missed you so much… touching, relearning…

 

A narrative of kisses trailed down Jensen’s chest, the heat leaving a path of bites and marks as Jared chased each mark with fingers pressing into muscles and dips defined by physical work. This wasn’t the Jensen of nearly two years ago; this was new, this man, arching up into his hands, into his touch, it felt new and right.

 

Slowly he kiss bit his way back up to Jensen’s lips and the kisses were longer, harder, a pushing rolling motion between them, weeks of desire and want so keen, on so sharp an edge that it was over before it began, Jared pushed at jeans, his hand unerringy closing around Jensen, I love you, I love you… one twist, one glide of frantic skin and Jensen lost it hot and heavy on Jared’s hand, his neck arching as he moaned one word… Jared…

 

It was too much, Jared was on sensory overload, the sight, the sound, the feel of this man beneath him and his orgasm rolled over him, until breathless and gasping he fell to one side, his hands curling around Jensen’s arms, gripping tight. They hadn’t even stopped. There was no slow lovemaking, the kind they had imagined in their conversations on the phone, where they mapped each other’s bodies like Jensen could map the stars. It was heat and need and want all rolled into take now…

 

“Jared?”

 

”Hmmm?”

 

“Maybe next time…”

 

“Uh huh?”

 

“…we could go slow enough for you to take your jeans off?”

 

 

 

 

The END


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